Carers
Carers Trust
Get away - and come back a better carer
Saga's care blogger, Marianne Talbot, who has taken care of her mother for five years, explains why having a break can only benefit your loved one in the long run
There I was feeling wonderful after three days in an elegant hotel when Saga rang. They asked me if I would write something on why carers need holidays.
Wouldn’t I just. No better time for writing about the huge benefits, for carers, of getting away.
For two nights I hadn’t once been disturbed by mum’s needing to go to the loo, or getting into my bed by mistake. I slept through and woke naturally. I enjoyed coffee – hot coffee - whilst reading the paper in bed... when did you last have a coffee that wasn’t stone cold?
Then breakfast. Usually I gulp down some cereal whilst dispensing pills, changing pads, filling the washing machine, finding handkerchiefs and feeding cats. But for two days I dawdled over fresh fruit and buttered toast, then shamefully wolfed mini pain au chocolat (my record: four!).
I’d swim in the warm pool, have a sauna or a massage, then curl up on a squashy sofa in the drawing room and read. Before dinner (and lunch) I’d have a glass of wine on the terrace overlooking the beautiful garden, and chat to the charming and attentive waiters. Bliss.
It all started when the Social Services rang and offered me £500.
Well, that’s a good start isn’t it?
It turned out that my not taking the respite to which I was entitled had saved the council a fortune. So here they were giving me £500 for ‘whatever would make my life easier’.
‘A new washing machine, perhaps?’ said the woman who rang.
A what?
You must be joking. £500 would give me just what I needed: a proper break.
It is extremely easy for a carer to go without a break. It is hard enough to get a break of an hour, never mind a day or – goodness - a holiday.
It is the rare carer who has others on whom they can easily call. Families may help. But then again they may not. Or there may not be a family.
There’s always paid help. But we’re talking £700 on top of the cost of getting away. Could you afford this?
No wonder carers often dismiss the idea of a break: the practical problems seem insurmountable.
But there are psychological problems too. Carers can be their own worse enemies.
Sometimes, for example, they set themselves impossible targets (‘the substitute must care as I do’). Or they allow themselves to be emotionally blackmailed (‘he/she can’t bear to be looked after by anyone but me’). Or they delude themselves (‘I can manage.’).
It’s not surprising. If you are a carer you get used to total responsibility, to having no-one to call on, and to feeling guilty for even thinking of relinquishing the load.
But at least when the barriers are psychological there’s something you can do: you can challenge them.
No-one will care for your piglet* as well as you do. But does it matter? They can lower their standards for a week, or even two weeks. If they could realistically choose they’d probably be happy to do so (and if they wouldn’t, they don’t deserve you).
If your fear is going away on your own, ask yourself why you can’t go somewhere you’ll find others: religious retreats, carers’ houses, package holidays or escorted tours would all fit the bill.
Yes, you might feel guilty. But if you do, it’ll be because you haven’t thought things through: ask yourself how long you’ll be able to carry on doing what you are doing without a break? You might continue in body. But where will you be in spirit?
It is my guess that you – the essential you – will soon be replaced by a miserable martyr or a seething mass of resentment. This won’t help anyone, and certainly not your piglet.
No. You need a break. It is your duty not only to yourself, but also to your piglet to take one.
And now Saga tells me it intends to help. The new Saga Respite for Carers Trust being set up will pay for fifty of us, with partners or friends, to have a proper break.
If you’d like to be one of them please form an orderly queue behind me.
*Person to whom I give Love and Endless Therapy, see Hugh Marriott’s wonderful book The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring
More from Marianne
Reader comments
the thought of a conscience free break without feeling guilty or responsible for what may happen whilst i'm away would be lovely. i care for my 96 year old mother-in-law who i love dearly & am very reluctant to 'hand over' her care to others. besides that i am only on carers benefit & have no idea how i'd afford to pay for her respite care.
Posted by: sara | 01/08/2008 00:49:37
A break, would I be able to cope with closing the front door on the endless grind that has been part my life for the last five years, suddenly finding myself bringing up two small children at the age of 60 has left me feeling numbed and exhausted, although they are delightful, the thought of a break with or without them would have to be an emphatic YES.
Posted by: jan patterson | 30/07/2008 19:18:52
To say you have voiced my sentiments is an understatement.How life changes in under 3 years BUT how do I find a substitute "carer".My partner is now physically disabled & Im sorry but I just cant see him sat in a room all day with "older"(hes 68) patients...BUT Im tired,tired,tired & to be honest just need a BREAK.
Posted by: Lynda Hogan | 23/07/2008 08:24:31
Hi Barbara, I think in such a situation you have to harden your heart and go anyway. If you don't get a break you will break down and your piglet will end up being looked after by someone else permanently. How would he/she like that? Marianne
Posted by: Marianne Talbot | 16/07/2008 17:16:12
This is brilliant, but what if the patient refuses to have anyone else to look after them?
Posted by: Barbara Annells | 14/06/2008 20:22:25
Information on this site is for interest only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult your own doctor about any specific health concerns.
