Healthy living Blog
Carer Diary
30 Jan, 2008: care issues come home to roost
What a terrible week. The debacle with care over the last three weeks has come home to roost, writes Marianne Talbot, whose mother has Alzheimer's disease
Mum can’t bear me out of her sight. If I leave the room she’s on my heels in seconds calling ‘is anyone here?’ It makes me want to weep. She wants constant attention too. If I try to do something – read the paper, do a bit of work – within five minutes she’s looking like a wet weekend, within ten she’s saying that she wants to die.
She’s only happy if I am sitting with her explaining over and over to her why she is here.
First I show her a picture of her and daddy sitting in front of their house. Then I explain that daddy died. When her face falls I say that he was ready and it would be wrong to call him back. She nods her head wisely and says she understands.
‘Then’, I say, ‘I suggested that you come to live with me. I showed you this picture of our house (I show her the estate agent’s blurb) and you agreed it would be fun. You’ve lived here happily for four years now’.
‘Four years?!’ she says at this point, ‘Then why don’t I remember?’. ‘Because’, I say, ‘You’ve had a nasty infection that has made you feel rotten. But you’re getting better now. Soon you’ll feel fine’.
This story calms her. It’s not entirely true of course. For a start I have no idea whether she has a urine infection. Neither has anyone else.
When the doctor came she wouldn’t let him touch her. When he tried she growled at him. The district nurse got as far as trying to take a blood sample. But the minute mum felt the needle she screamed blue murder. The nurse and I backed off double quick. We didn’t even try to get a urine sample.
We’re going to treat her ‘blind’ with antibiotics. Mum has never had problems with antibiotics, so even if there is no infection she shouldn’t react badly. If an infection is part of the problem they’ll help clear it up.
My days are agony. One minute I feel huge compassion. The next I feel murderous. Mostly I feel helpless. How can you help someone who has no memory at all?
Only by giving them your full attention.
But I simply can’t do it. Not only because I am so busy, but also because it’s not in my nature.
But tomorrow my sister and brother are coming for a week whilst I go walking in the Lake District. When I get back I will re-think the care situation sensibly.
So think of me next week striding across the hills, free as a bird.
More from Marianne
- Read Marianne Talbot's previous blogs
- Marianne's action plan for carers
- Care homes in an ideal world
More on care
- Care homes: the questions you need to ask
- Nursing homes and free care
- Long-term care Q&As
- How to get a carer's allowance
- Will we lose our home if one of us has to go into care?
Useful websites
Reader comments
This blog makes you think about the stress faced by carers like Marianne. They are not only trying to provide constant care but also to deal with the emotional strain of seeing someone you love reduced to this state. The government should be making sure they get not only the money they need but also a support system that will allow them to fulfil this role without completely putting their own lives on hold.
Posted by: melanie gilbert | 15/02/2008 12:26:37
Dear Marianne, Horrible situation with no obvious solution. I think you need to make sure YOU stay sane, and as unresentful as possible, whatever decision that leads you to. Sophia
Posted by: Sophia Hartland | 15/02/2008 10:43:15
What a great blog - and how moving; well done to Marianne for saying what millions of carers country-wide are experiencing. And what clear thinking around the whole care issue. If only the government would listen. Susan
Posted by: Susan Quilliam | 13/02/2008 22:38:00
the constant need for attention combined with a lack of memory sounds like a terrible combination for the carer. I had no idea of this additional stress the carer has to face, day after day. thanks for being so personal on your blog
Posted by: tristramw | 13/02/2008 21:08:04
At last I can leave a comment! But all I can think of now is that you must have had your time off in the Lake District, and be back at the grindstone? More later.
Posted by: Bill | 12/02/2008 00:26:37
Information on this site is for interest only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult your own doctor about any specific health concerns.