Healthy living Blog
Carer Diary
May 13, 2008: considering a care home
This week Marianne Talbot, who cares for her mother with Alzheimer's disease, wonders whether her mother would be better off in a care home, now that her condition is worsening
‘Go away,’ mum hissed ‘I just want to die’.
All I was doing was trying to get her to go back upstairs to get dressed.
Mum has been uncharacteristically manipulative lately. She has started to claim that she wants to die fairly frequently. It is clearly a sign of her being unhappy, but is it really a sign that she wants to die? I don’t think so. I think that what she wants is for life to go back to normal.
She wants to be able to communicate, for example. At the moment whenever she tries to say something it comes out all wrong. The only clue to her meaning is the context, and often that is not enough.
She also wants to be able to enjoy her food. But when she tries to eat she misses her mouth. Or she crams so much in that she’s in danger of choking.
She also wants to be alone with me, knowing where she is and why. But there’s no way I can cope on my own any more. So instead of our nice cosy routine, the house is always full of people coming and going.
It must be a nightmare for her.
So much so in fact that I am beginning to think that she is no longer benefiting from living with me. This feeling became so strong last week that I actually went to see a home that someone recommended.
I wasn’t expecting much. But I liked it. The rooms were nice and light. There was a conservatory in which a group of ladies were sitting ‘talking’ to some carers. There was a large television on the wall. It was switched off. Good.
Even better they said they would be prepared for mum to come to lunch for a few times to see how she managed. I shall certainly take them up on that.
But I find myself longing for her to die. If only I could go into her room one morning to find that she had died peacefully in her sleep. It would feel so right for her to die whilst she’s still living with me, and before this deterioration gets worse.
Already she is becoming a different person. Occasionally I can still see mum, but mostly mum has been replaced by this bad-tempered, manipulative old woman who spends her life complaining, and expecting me to run after her.
The other day after several hours of fetching her this and that, finding her stuff to do, and trying to get her interested in something, I found that she was using a handful of my bulbs as a bookmark.
I really hated her at that moment.
More from Marianne
- May 6: down in the mouth
- April 29: care cavalry arrives
- April 23: where are we again?
- April 16: time to start living again
More on care
More on care homes
- Questions for care homes
- Advice on nursing homes and free care
- The nursing home survival guide
- Care homes in an ideal world
- How one woman persuaded her father it was time for a home
Useful websites
Reader comments
Would it be possible to have an article on 'Power of Attorney'? My sister, whose husband has Lewy Body dementia and is now in a nursing home especially for people like him (at risk to himself and others), has had tremendous problems getting the power of attorney which she applied for last November. The 40 page document was 'lost' yet she had had it its arrival acknowledged! She is on pension credit and finding things difficult to financially manage. Her husband has an ISA account of which a proportion is in shares - these have decreased in value by some £1,000 since she applied - money she could use effectively to visit him on a regular basis. The Power of Attorney was set up nearly two years ago and before the present legislation came into force. The cost of £400 to apply seems a large price to pay when you have little income coming in. I help where I can but she lives nearly 200 miles away and I am her only relative in this country (their daughters are in Australia) and I am disabled.
Posted by: Jennie Lisney | 17/05/2008 21:52:30
I am 62. How can we prepare for the possible onset of alzheimers or similar and know that we have mapped out what we would like to happen when we get to this stage or is it important then? We cannot replace the mind as it was so what is the answer and can it help outr family to plan for the future?
Posted by: Stella Redfern | 16/05/2008 22:51:10
Listen to your mother. It may well be that, in a moment of lucidity, she has recognised her situation and wishes to escape from it. I hope that my family will, should I ever develop Alzheimers, follow my wishes and allow me to die with dignity.
Posted by: Cornelius Byrne | 16/05/2008 17:08:54
Information on this site is for interest only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult your own doctor about any specific health concerns.
