Healthy living
Mind matters
How to be happier
Could a return to old-fashioned virtues like kindness, humility and gentleness be a recipe for happiness? Melody Rousseau talked to Matthieu Ricard, about his latest book, Happiness: a guide to developing life's most important skill
Former Institut Pasteur scientist and Buddhist monk, Matthieu Ricard, is often referred to as the 'happiest man in the world', following intensive clinical tests at the University of Wisconsin, where his brain patterns were tracked via hundreds of sensors attached to the skull and hours of MRI scanning.
With the scoring ranging from +3 to - 3 (the supposed maximum score for happiness) Ricard's scores were actually off the scale at more than - 4.
Now Ricard has applied both his scientific rigour and the knowledge accrued through 35 years of studying Buddhism, to finding a formula for happiness.
Ricard's impressive research, which included analysing hundreds of scientific studies on various indicators of happiness, yields hard facts to dispel popular misconceptions, such as the belief that money, power or beauty can make us happier.
So if anyone is qualified on the subject, it has to be Matthieu Ricard, and with this in mind I went to meet him to see what advice he would offer Saga readers to get through the challenges that face many over-50s.
How can we cope with losing our identity through redundancy or retirement?
"I think our real identity is not the image we have of ourselves, the one we try to project or people's thoughts about a certain position, function or label.
"Our real identity is our deepest human nature, which always has the potential to flourish at any stage of life, whether we are healthy or sick, whether we are strong of weak, because that is to do with the nature of the mind.
"Even if the mind is not as sharp as before, it still has the capacity for loving kindness and the capacity for inner peace, as opposed to falling into unease and becoming sort of a little bit upset with the world. That potential for serenity, for expressing love to everyone is always there, no matter what happens to our body, and certainly no matter what happens to our label.
"It helps if we can realise that it's less a time of action and more for experiencing and manifesting warm heartedness and human qualities.
"So it's a great time! You are not distracted by hundreds of activities, and you can bring out the best of yourself, which is your human quality, not the little things you knew how to do in the past - who cares? Those things are going to pass anyway, while human qualities are always available."
How can we deal with loss of loved ones through bereavement, divorce or the children leaving home?
"Well, again, impermanence is completely part of life, so if we revolt against that we are revolting against the very nature of change, so there's not much point, I think we should embrace it more.
"Try to see that no matter what happens, the best homage we can pay the ones who are no longer there, is to live whatever is left of our lives in the most constructive way. Constructive doesn't mean necessarily doing lots of things. It means being kind with those around, being at peace with yourself, and knowing that we are born alone and we die alone. In a way, even if there are people around, we are sort of alone. There's nothing sad about that.
"It's a less active, more contemplative time, a time for enjoying the beauty of nature and viewing our interdependence with the whole world. Why don't we feel that every human being is our relative, every place is our house?
"Try to be in harmony with nature and with those around, and then there's no such thing as feeling too lonely if we find the inner resources within ourselves.
"If we can find the joy within, we radiate it to others and then we suffer less from being alone."
What advice would you have for those feeling excluded from children's lives?
"Of course if we are faced with complete indifference, or sometimes lack of care and concern, who can say it's nice? But I think we can also try to engage those who feel less concerned with us.
"Maybe sometimes we are part of that, but if we try to emphasise loving kindness and warmth for others, then naturally they will feel more reciprocally happy in our presence and won't feel it as a burden, and therefore it might be easier to maintain those ongoing warm relationships.
"We have to make efforts ourselves also, not to be too demanding, but to be more giving."
Some people feel sandwiched between duties and responsibilities towards elderly relatives and children, how can they best cope with this?
"Yes, it's kind of heavy but in ancient times, and in the East now, the idea of extended families was very strong.
"Of course now there is so much responsibility and difficulty in terms of time and financial burden, so we have to find the most humane situation. But we can at least try to maintain a very strong feeling of affection, care and concern.
"Try to genuinely and reciprocally cultivate this warm heartedness. So that even if you are not together all the time, being very affectionate and warm when you are together is a comfort during time spent apart."
What's the best way to deal with physical deterioration?
"There are times in life when we can use our body in the most efficient way, but when it's not like that anymore, if you can relate to inner resources, nurture some kind of serenity it doesn't matter that much. It's more when we feel disabled physically and we are not managing to bring the potential to the surface that we feel disabled from all sides.
"Certainly I saw that with my parents, my mother is a very luminous and spiritual person, she has had some physical disabilities but she is more and more radiant.
"My father was a great intellectual, (the philosopher Jean-Francois Revel) who passed away last year at the age of 82, and because he depended so much upon his intellectual brilliance, when it started to be reduced he felt a little bit down, like something had been dimmed and there was not much else. So it was a little bit sad to see him like that.
"My mother (the painter Yahne Le Toumelin) becomes more and more luminous. It's all about displaying some heart qualities, an aspect of peace, something luminous that gives her a quality of appreciating being alive, and appreciating every moment that passes, even if it is not filled with activity.
"Just resting and feeling at harmony with nature or even staying quietly with oneself. If we can learn to appreciate that then we can more easily face the other aspect of our other faculties going away. It becomes an opportunity."
How can we cope with self-image in a superficial society that venerates youthfulness?
"If we keep on looking for happiness where it is not, then when we don't find it, we become sure that it does not exist. But this was never the place to find it at all - at any time. So it's more important to identify what are the real conditions for flourishing."
Can you offer any advice on dealing with difficult family relationships, such as step relatives and relatives-in-law?
"Some cases might be particularly difficult, but when we look at these situations, it always needs two poles of unease or resentment, or the feeling that people are not treating us the way they should, to slowly create more and more bitterness.
"If one has less to lose and less to gain and one is more content with one's own life, then if people are very nice or behave in a perfect way, then that's great, but we see more as, well, they could do better, but after all that's their way of being and we wish that they could be different, and they might.
"So the best way is to remain what we are and be as open and kind as possible. That usually helps to mellow them down a little bit and is certainly better than antagonising them. If they can't change anyway, it's better to be in a good mood than getting into a fight.
"Often if there is a mood of conflict, if you are not in that mood at all it is very hard to fight with someone who doesn't want to fight. It is the best way to deal with tensions.
"When you see the studies on conflict, whether it is couples or family, it is very hard to get aggressive with someone who is really not in the mood to be aggressive.
"It was quite funny, in Berkley we hooked people up to all the physiological parameters and then they brought one of the most difficult people on the campus and they put him on the subject that would make him furious, like why a scientist would become a monk and believe in reincarnation. After 20 minutes he said 'I can't fight with this guy, he smiles all the time, he puts up reasonable arguments'. But what was interesting was that his physiology was very much aroused in the beginning but then fizzled out, so he completely calmed down. We say you need two hands to clap, with one you can't.
"Of course, it's easier said than done, but the more you say OK maybe that's the other person's problem, not yours, so why get into unnecessary conflict?
"The best way in fact is to minimise the conflict by not being in that mood or way of being. If that can help and that person does change, great, but if it not, then at least you yourself are not becoming totally upset, so in any case it's the best way."
Happiness: A Guide To Developing Life's Most Important Skill, written by Matthieu Ricard and published by Atlantic Books at £8.99, is available now at Amazon
Reader comments
I have had an extremely difficult time in the last five years since my mother died with family conflict and emotional problems. I felt that while reading, this article, Mathieu Ricard was talking to me and I knew what he said was right. It has given me the courage and incentive to try and make peace and move on.
Posted by: Sharon | 23/06/2008 12:58:49
The nice thing about aging is that there is more time to explore new things like a more spiritual, aware and here-and-now way of life. Matthieu Ricard seems to suggest that this is the key to happiness and, you know, I think he's right!
Posted by: Geoff | 10/06/2008 14:26:49
I have been having counselling for some time and it is helping. The one thing I say over and over is I just want to be at peace inside and be happy, I will try this book and see if it helps
Posted by: Anne | 03/04/2008 08:31:28
Information on this site is for interest only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult your own doctor about any specific health concerns.