Home and lifestyle Experts
Agony aunt
Katharine Whitehorn: no kidding
Saga agony aunt, Katharine Whitehorn advises online readers on how to resolve difficulties with their children
Depressed son drinks
Q: We are in our mid sixties. Our son has lost a number of well-paid jobs over the past few years due to depression followed by excessive drinking. He has been out of work since Christmas and is getting rejections all the time although he is doing his best. When he faces these disappointments the usual happens. He has only funds for a few months and fears he will have to sell his flat. Do we step in and help with finance or "let go and let god decide"? The situation is putting a strain on our relationship.
A: Helping with money alone won’t help much, I fear. Plainly his depression is his main trouble and you need by any means you can think of to get him to seek help - probably beginning with his GP. You don’t say how near you he lives, but one way to keep him afloat might be to have him move back in with you for a few months and rent his flat, which would give him an income even when he wasn’t working. You might also ring the Depression Alliance on 0845 1233320 and talk things through with them.
Daughter struggling
Q: My daughter married a man 12 years older and has two small boys with him, aged five and three. She says she loves him but is drinking a bottle of wine a night and has told me she is unable to cope with the little one, who is hard work but so loving, her husband is very self centred. I have tried to tell him how worried I am but he only thinks I am getting at him, which I am not. She is obsessed with keeping the house clean but has let herself go. I am really scared she will lose it altogether – please help me to help her.
A: I don’t think you can do much directly, as the more anyone feels they’re not coping, the more they resent what they see as either interference or some sort of reproach. But you can help in a practical way, I think. Can you organise a day - or even a half day - out with your daughter that can include a hair-do, a manicure, a relaxed drifting round shops or a smart lunch – something to remind her that there is a life outside the domestic treadmill? And can you take the little one off her hands from time to time? Toddlers can be absolutely flattening in the amount of attention they need; you who have been through it know that this stage passes, that you get an agreeable lull between toddler and teenage, but when you’re stuck in the toddler stage, it seems it will never end, that there is no respite. Oh, and one other thing: telling people they should drink less is usually an excellent way of making them drink more. Believe me.
Like mother, like daughter
Q: I have just discovered from my son-in-law when I phoned my daughter who lives 200 miles away that six days ago she admitted to a year-long affair and has left him with the six-year-old twins. She phoned me later last night upset, apologising for not phoning me earlier. She says her reason for leaving was the "lack of love and any affection". Her new man has no children and is six years younger - 28. She visits the marital home every day to see children. Her mother left me 30 years ago. I feel selfishness has been repeated. How should I support her?
A: If you want to support your daughter the first thing is to hear a lot more about what she really feels, what really made her leave home. Can you go and see her? It might be much easier to talk properly face to face You may think she’s behaved badly, and maybe she has, but if you want to support her, you can’t start out by assuming that she is selfish or even that her situation must mirror that of your wife. If you do, you’ll instinctively feel drawn to her husband’s side of the story; but if you can take in the whole picture, you might well provide a voice of sanity which could help her – as would, in any case, the feeling that you are behind her whatever happens.
Challenging child
Q: My son is 11. I am 50 and in a five-year step family. He is a wonderful boy but sometimes his behaviour is very challenging. I rarely use a holding/restraint technique that I Iearnt some years ago as a social worker to calm him when he gets out of control. His mum reported me to the police; they have discussed a possible charge of assault. He sustained two bruises while I was putting him into the hold position. He did calm down when in the 'holding'position - so it works.
A: The technique may be a good one but it can’t be the only one, and if things are hostile between you and his mother, as it sounds as if they are, this is quite the wrong way to try and calm the boy. If he really needs holding, it might be better - and safer- to get a professional to do it, not you. But better still, try and work out ways of getting on better terms with the lad without any manhandling. Heaven knows step-parent families, with or without children from the previous marriage, have difficulties enough without such accusations.
It’s not clear from your question what children there are apart from your son, but the task of integrating two families is bound to have its problems—especially if the boy thinks his stepmother broke up the original family. It seems to me you might all benefit from some counselling—which might, too, go some way towards reassuring the boy’s mother.
