Home and lifestyle Experts
Agony aunt
Coping with loneliness
Katharine Whitehorn, Saga Magazine's agony aunt, advises three online readers who want to make life easier for their lonely, elderly parents
Home and lonely
Q: I live with my mother who is a widow of 85. A lovely lady who is partially mobile and independent but very lonely. She has no friends, no one to talk to during the day and this gets her very down. The neighbours are not friendly at all. She goes out shopping in the morning for a couple of hours then comes home and that is it - the same routine every day. So she waits till I come home in the evening. She would love company, someone to pop in for tea and a chat. Any suggestions?
A: There isn’t any obvious answer to this; loneliness in old age is so common, and your mother is far better off than many, since she knows you are coming home each evening. You could try asking a local church or your local Age Concern if they have anyone who might visit your mother. Or you could, I suppose, move to a sheltered complex where there would be others like her around; but the upheaval might be more than she would welcome. If there’s a charity or a political party she’s interested in, she could offer to address envelopes – joining a pressure group, if you’re up to it, is often a foolproof way of ensuring that you at least see people pretty often. If she’s still bright, would it be worth getting someone to teach her computing and getting her into chat rooms? That might be a bit much, but I do know several elderly people who chat on their machines all day, so I thought it worth suggesting.
Company for mum
Q: My mother of 88 lives alone. As an only child I do not live close. We talk on the phone regularly but she is forever bemoaning the fact she doesn't see enough of me. I have asked her if she would like to move closer but she insists on staying where she is. I guess she's feeling lonely but she succeeds in making me feel selfish. I have a family of my own and weekends are precious since my husband and I both work. Are there any organisations that could be of assistance?
A: It’s only natural your mother should hate the thought of moving, but still constantly want you around though she knows very well that you’re snowed under with job and family; one of the tiresome things that afflicts us when we’re old is this narrowing down of our concern to just our own day-to-day circumstances. When we’re middle-aged we say stoutly that we never want to be a burden, but that resolution fades once we actually are feeling frail and lonely. Still, you’re right in thinking the answer is to get her more company apart from you. Is there a branch of Age Concern where she lives? If so, you could ask them for help - there might be a luncheon club she could join, they might have people who visit. Or you could write to Independent Age, 6 Avonmore Road London W14 8RL and see if they have anyone near who could visit your mother and discuss things.
Nightly phone calls
Q: How do I deal with my father, who wants to talk to me on the phone every day? My mother died two years ago, and I realise that he is lonely, but he plays bowls, my cousin goes to see him, and he visits my aunt in a nursing home every week. I visit and stay whenever I can, but I find nightly phone calls too much - there is only so much news to share. I live in Bournemouth, my father is in London. If I don't ring, he worries that something has happened, and phones me. I find it very difficult. Help!
A: This, as I know, can be absolutely maddening and sour your relations with your father; I quite see you must deal with it. First, you must tell your father very firmly that you cannot be in touch every evening, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Then you must get one of the devices which tell you who is calling, and if it's him, and it's a difficult moment, just plain don't answer - or if you do, say you can't talk now and ring off after one curt sentence. Yes, I know that sounds beastly, and I daresay some people reading this will say "poor old man-what an unkind way to treat him." But it's a question of breaking a habit, and it can be done.
I have an aunt who used to ring me all the time, but she doesn’t now – she knows that if I ring her, when I have got plenty of time, we have a long and happy chat, but that if she rings me, she may well catch me when I’m on my way out of the house or half into a bath; she waits till I ring her. It’s a lot more important to keep a real loving relationship with your father and have long and cheerful conversations with him when you can, than to keep picking up the phone from a sense of duty and feel like biting his head off.
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- Read Katharine Whitehorn every month in Saga Magazine
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Reader comments
The article "Less is more" really struck a chord. Following the sudden death of a close friend, my husband and I became determined to have a thorough clear out, so that our son would not be left sifting through boxes of junk when we died. It was unbelievable how much stuff was in the loft - the most astonishing being thousands of photos that had belonged to my husband's uncle. He had died over 40 years ago, and these had been carted to the lofts of 4 houses without being looked at! It was quite a task to sift through it all, and true to say that some sentimental items have been returned to the loft, though now neatly labelled. The weight has been lifted not just from the rafters but also from our minds. We would recommend it as a really liberating exercise.
Posted by: Linda Wells | 22/05/2008 13:30:00
Found your email article about the loneliness experienced by the elderly very interesting. In Egham, Age Concern offer a visitor/library service. A vetted volunteer is matched to an elderly person and, every so many weeks, will drop in with library books of that person's choice. Apart from delivering the books, they also stop for a chat and a cup of tea. Maybe some could offer themselves as volunteers?
Posted by: Michael Balkwill | 14/05/2008 12:33:45
get in touch with your local volunteer centre and ask for a buddy these are people that are cib checked and can then go to visit lonely people once a week for 1hr or so have tea and chat I know because I do this with a lovely lady of 85 and she does look forward to my visits. Am sure local citizens advice bureau can give details of volunteer centre.
Posted by: jo copping | 12/05/2008 11:25:01
It can be daunting at any age to go along to a new group or do something you've never done before for the first time. It is always a good thing to have someone as an intermediary, to make the introductions and smooth over nerves at the first few sessions. It's finding just that person, which is difficult. Perhaps, organisations like the WI or Probus or Luncheon Club could be contacted and asked if someone could visit the elderly person in their home first and explain what the group is all about, then given them a lift there the first few times. Our village has an over 60's club and luncheon club, which meet fortnightly. They also have transport organised, so maybe this question could be asked too.
Posted by: Wendy Collyer | 12/05/2008 10:17:47
Join organisations like U3A, English Speaking Union, WEA, Probus (for men) & Nadfas all of which have interest groups and/or various activities and outings throughout the year. Probably would need taxis to get there initially but once a member, lifts might be available. If care is not needed in sheltered accommodation, probably not a good idea for the lonely to move as then they are unfamiliar with their new home and surroundings.
Posted by: Norman | 11/05/2008 15:53:10
as usual, Katherine Whitehorn tells them how it is; excellent. I am 73 and although I still work part-time one cannot really converse heartily with colleagues. I also would love to have someone to talk to when I get home or a son who rings ONCE a week. I am lucky if he has the time to do so; he is a very busy man professionally and privately, which I appreciate. I do hope that in 10 years' time I won't be a moaner.
Posted by: Elvira Madelin | 10/05/2008 11:58:46
Although these particular parents are maybe too old, for those older people who are retired may I suggest that they are put in touch with their local U3A. Although this sounds very daunting it is in fact for retired people, meets once a month with a speaker,has many interest groups, mostly fun and not learning although some are, and nothing is compulsary. It's great, and a lifesaver.
Posted by: Ann McIntyre | 10/05/2008 09:09:12
