Home and lifestyle Experts
Agony aunt
Your emotional dilemmas answered
Saga's agony aunt, Katharine Whitehorn advises on what do with a distant relative who is getting uncomfortably close, whether a man should leave his wife and what to do with precious photos when you meet someone new
Not-so-distant relative homes in
Q: My husband was contacted a while ago through a website by a 71-year-old old distant relative and they struck up an email friendship. She lives in Australia and as we were going out to visit my son I was reluctantly persuaded to go to see her for three days. In short she drove me mad and never stopped talking. Now she's decided to come to Europe for six months, and has assumed she can use our home as a base when in England. I don't even want to see her never mind have her to stay. He says we must.
A: If it was just for a weekend I would say you probably had to put up with this woman for your husband’s sake, but six months! NO. You must just say you simply will not do it. You can’t stop her coming to Europe, of course, but you could say that if she wants to invite your husband out for this or that that’s OK by you, and even spend a night or two on arrival; but that’s all. No-one’s obliged to let their spouse’s relatives stay for long stretches, even when it’s a close relation that they knew about when they married. You certainly don’t owe it to someone he’s only just discovered.
Should I stay or should I go?
Q: I love my wife but am not in love with her and cannot bring myself to make love. Another woman is waiting patiently for me to leave my wife so she can leave her husband and we can be together. I love the thought of that and indeed have a great time when we are together but I am frightened in case it doesn't work and I am left alone. When we are apart and I am at home I am unhappy; I feel very guilty and get very anxious that this can't go on, but once I am up and see her I want to have more of her.
A: You say you love your wife but it doesn’t sound as if you’ve given much thought to how she might feel when she is left alone. Of course in a short email you can’t tell much of the story, but have you been distant for long? Were you OK until this other lady came along? Does she have qualms about leaving her husband? If she is truly unhappy with him, she might well plan to leave whatever you did, but if she’s waiting for you, maybe there is some tie there that she’s reluctant to break? Of course I know, who doesn’t, plenty of men – and women - who have left a long-standing marriage for someone else; but I also know of more than one case where a man has left, realised it was the thrill of a hidden love that was really attractive, and ached to come back; but by then his wife didn’t want him, the hurt had gone too deep. I think you should have a counselling session with Relate – not necessarily telling your wife, who would be desolated anyway—just to work out how deep and permanent your feelings really are.
Picture this
Q: My wife of 43 years died five years ago. I now have a lady friend in my life, and she will be coming to my place soon. I have quite a few photographs of my wife around. What I want to know is, should I move them all, and move on? Some are on the wall. I have photos of my lady friend, which are also on display. I have about five of my wife in the bedroom, should I move these first? I have photos of the ladies I have met on holiday on display. Please advise me.
A: How excellent that you have found someone else after those five sad years. I don’t think you have to move all the photographs of your wife; your new love knows about her, after all, and it would be unrealistic – and ultimately sad - to try and erase all the traces of her from your home. You aren’t trying to wipe out your earlier life, just to start a new one; and as it sounds as if you do go in for photos in a big way, you could start mixing in ones of this new love with all the others. But I think you might get the ones of your wife out of the bedroom, and perhaps shift some of the other ones of her to a less prominent place, so that your new lady doesn’t feel oppressed by your memories.
