Home and lifestyle Experts
Agony aunt
Ask our agony aunt
Katharine Whitehorn advises three readers taking steps towards new lives
Lacking confidence
Q: I'm 57 and I've been shy and lacking in self confidence all my life. I left my husband of 30 years (we fell out of love) and have been with my new partner (who I know loves me) for six months and we hope to move in together. Life is wonderful. However, two things threaten my happiness. I am finding it hard to come to terms with being a doormat all my life and secondly I inwardly die every time my partner sees naked women on TV or in the paper (not his fault: they are everywhere!) Please help!
A: I can and I will tell you that it’s absurd to worry about this - ALL men look at naked women with some degree of interest and it needn’t affect you at all. I was told this by one man who said that what matters is only what, if anything, they do about it. If your partner was actually chasing after these girls, you’d have to decide whether it was worth putting up with it or not; but as he isn’t, you shouldn’t let what he hasn’t done ruin your relationship. I think that in your case your worry is obviously a symptom of a far deeper lack of confidence, and I think it would be worth consulting a counsellor about it. You could try Relate, but in some areas they have a long waiting list; you could ask your GP or write to the Association of Humanistic Psychology Practitioners, BCM AHPP, London WC1N 3XX; or look up Systemic Therapy on the net. You have to realise that baseless jealousy can really sour a relationship, and needs to be treated like an illness.
Older woman, younger man
Q: I am a very fit lady of 79, not on any medication, active, and widowed. I have been sending and receiving messages from a man aged 41 who insists he really fancies me and want us to meet. I am feeling attracted to him and enjoy our long-distance contact. Now he wants it to become very intimate, and I want to meet him! I have only had one sexual partner - my late husband. I feel I want to get the most out of the rest of my life and this young man would give me that chance. It’s the age gap that concerns me – what do you think?
A: Well...what do I say? A difference of 38 years, especially that way round, is undeniably a lot of years. And any “relationship” which has not yet involved the parties actually meeting each other must be built on hope and air to some extent. That said, stranger things have happened – did you ever see the movie “Harold and Maud?” That was about a woman your age and a man barely out of boyhood. The one thing that struck me as phoney in the movie was their actually going to bed together, but who knows? What I suggest is that you pursue the relationship, but cautiously; take it step by step and don’t assume that a passionate physical affair is the only option.
A life on hold
Q: After 33 years of a not very happy marriage we decided to call it a day in May 06. We have two children, one still at home, and we still go out once a week with friends who don’t know our situation. I want to move on in my life but haven’t got the confidence, so I've decided to stay in my home, but it’s not easy and can be lonely as when we're together we haven’t got much to say. I would love someone of my own to love me and be my soul mate but I don’t suppose I will ever do anything about it except dream.
I don’t think you can move straight from the remains of your marriage to the beloved soul mate you yearn for; the confidence issue has to be tackled first. For several reasons: a woman too obviously on the hunt isn’t usually best placed to attract the man she wants; and you might be far too inclined to leap at anyone who seemed at all possible and end up with someone dreadful. You need to branch out into a different life for yourself, and hope you’ll meet new people among whom - who knows? – there might be a new love. Since you’ve got a secure if uninspiring base in your existing home, I think you should set to work to make more of your time outside it: take up a new interest, consider getting a job if you haven’t worked before, maybe a voluntary one to start with; or if you’re already employed, applying for a new one or different branch of the one you have. Then even if you don’t find a new date right away, at least you’ll be on the way to a less dispiriting life; and it could be that once you’re feeling more cheerful in yourself, the atmosphere at home would be more bearable. Then, at least while your son’s still around, you and your husband could rub along and go on enjoying the time you spend with your friends.
