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Agony aunt
Ask our agony aunt
Katharine Whitehorn advises our online readers on a range of marital issues
We're drifting apart
Q: I am 60 and have been married to my husband for 30 years. We have drifted apart over the last few years and I don't love him any more or want to be with him. I have the chance to find some happiness and love elsewhere but I feel so sorry for my husband and feel very guilty at the thought of leaving him on his own. He has very few friends or interests in life except watching TV. Also, I do everything for him and don't know how he will cope on his own. Your advice would be appreciated.
A: A tricky one, this: I’m not sure whether your chance of happiness is a definite prospect, or just a certainty that there must be something better than your dull life as it is. If it’s the latter, I think you could start by making your husband a bit less dependent; he’s presumably of retiring age, and so would need some fresh occupation – charity work, gardening, learning something new - even if you stayed around. If he had a bit more in his life you would not need to feel so guilty about leaving him; and it might be that if you left, even temporarily, he would find himself forced to cope a bit better.
There’s another point, too. I’ve had letters enough from women who have run off with what seemed a dream prospect, only to find, after a few months, that they did a lot better with their stodgy old set-up. They find they miss a whole lot of things in their old life that they never really thought about, and even, sometimes, the unexciting steady old man himself.
So what am I recommending? If there doesn’t have to be a now-or-never immediate decision about this, try stirring up your husband’s life a bit; and find some reason for staying away from home for a while to see how it feels. But if you really have a dream lover who is about to leave for Australia next week, then tell your husband you’re going - and see how he reacts. You owe him a bit of warning at least.
No sex for 16 years
Q: Should I decide on a separation from my husband of 40 years? He has a medical condition which has affected his libido 100% but after 16 years of total neglect of my emotional and sexual needs, I am beginning to feel I am a total waste of space. I desperately need someone to tell me life is still worth living. Please help me, before I give up completely. I have tried to fill this huge, gaping void in my life by riding (I have my own horse, which I ride every day) and my music.
A: If you’ve stayed with him so long, I wonder if he does provide something you need- some sort of security, perhaps? But leaving or not leaving is only half the question. You need to work out what you would find instead of him if you did go. Would you be on your own, share with a friend, get a live-in job?
I don't know what else there is in your life apart from your horse - whether you have grown children, a job, brothers or sisters, perhaps, who have made your time with your husband more bearable. But I suggest you might take advantage of your riding skills to go on a trekking holiday, perhaps, or sign up for a musical summer school, to get away from your normal circumstances, meet some new people, take a look at a new aspect of life. Then perhaps you could see more clearly what you value at home - or what you might look for if you left.
Falling for a colleague
Q: I am writing to you looking for a bit of advice. The long and short of it is I think I am falling for the company office assistant. I am the boss of a company; about 25 of us work there, mostly men. The girl in question is the office support assistant; her manager is very straight-faced and not very approachable whereas the other girl is.
It's not just the fact that she is very good looking; she's not the kind of person who flaunts her looks but she's down-to-earth and a very good listener. She's always joking and laughing with everyone, and a great person to have around. Occasionally we exchange the odd email, nothing rude, but we have a laugh and she's very easy to talk to about work stuff. The problem is I can't stop thinking about her, I find myself wanting to be around her; when I'm talking to her I can't help but hold her stare longer than I should, or I will deliberately walk past her desk just to see her.
I've not said anything to her and I doubt I would. Please don't think I'm some sleazy boss because I'm not; I really respect her hence I have kept my distance but it's really hard. I'm married and she has a boyfriend who works away a lot and I know this doesn't make her happy. I would never take advantage of this though. Also she is nine years my junior. I keep telling myself this is wrong and I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm not sure if I should say anything, I know she cares for the people she works for and she is fantastic at her job and I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable but I'm going to end up trying to avoid her and as it's a small office she will notice. Should I be honest with her and tell her how I feel or should I keep my feelings to myself and try avoid her?
A: May I suggest that you are asking yourself the wrong question? You are wondering whether, if you approached your colleague more warmly, it would upset the job relationship, or her – but as far as your wife goes, you simply say “I am married”. I think you should look a bit further ahead as to what the outcome might be for your home life if you got anywhere serious with this girl. Are you thinking of an affair? So far you are vague enough to sound fairly honourable, but that might be where you are heading: then what? Keep it quiet, and hope nothing at home would change? Give up your wife—and then what about children, if you have them?
An amitie amoreuse, with a workmate or anyone else, can be an enormously enriching experience and do no damage to a marriage if, but only if, you can keep it within bounds. And to do that, you need a clearer view of the whole matter than I think you have right now.
