Home and lifestyle Experts
Agony aunt
Our online agony aunt, Katharine Whitehorn
Saga's agony aunt, Katharine Whitehorn, answers online readers' dilemmas about grandparents, parents and grandchildren
Babysitting grandchildren: is it a moral obligation?
We have just tactfully refused to look after our grandchildren on a regular basis (one day a week) after school and during the holidays. The 'other' grandparents are willing to do two days a week and we're being made to feel guilty. Though we're willing to help out in emergencies and with general babysitting, we feel our retirement is 'our' time and do not wish to be tied down to a certain day week in and week out. Do you think we are being unreasonable?
No I don’t. The idea that all grandparents are just aching to spend time with their grandchildren and that they’re unnatural if they don’t is one of these “myths of convenience” – it suits the parent couple just fine, but not necessarily the senior pair, who also have lives to lead. It may have made sense in the days when grannies had nothing to do but sit in inglenooks and knit, but now they’ve got years and years ahead – and how much time will the children want to spend with them once they’re no longer dear little kiddywinks but teenagers?
If the parents need so many days a week taken care of, presumably both are working, so they could probably afford paid help of some kind, or could make a reciprocal arrangement with another couple. You could certainly offer in the school holidays to do this day or that day, or even several, but I agree with you that nailing you down to a regular commitment is asking a bit much.
Rights for grandparents
Do grandparents have any rights? For the past eight years the eldest of my three daughters has been 'off the wall'. She married without parental consent (and that was the least of it all) and has since divorced, but not before she gave birth to my granddaughter in August 2003. I have literally given up on my daughter but in doing so have not seen my granddaughter for two and a half years. They live 80 miles away now and I have the address (although my daughter does not know this).
I’m afraid grandparents don’t have rights and you can see why: when a marriage breaks down, the one with the children may well think her - or his - mother-in-law was part of the problem. To have the grandparents trying to muscle in on the children if relations weren’t good in the first place would make the one in charge of them want to commit murder. Which isn’t much help to you. What you can do, I think, is keep in touch with the children by way of birthday cards, friendly letters, occasional gifts; so that if, as disaffected teenagers, they need another prop, they know you are still there for them, even if they haven’t seen you for ages. If your other daughters are seriously in touch with the children’s mother, you might channel this through them; otherwise go it alone, and trust that the grandchildren won’t be lost to you forever.
Need to feel needed by pregnant daughter
My only child is going to have her first baby in a week. I want to be more involved, but I'm feeling a bit left out and not needed. I'm not sure if this is normal. I watch a lot of these "Baby shows" on tv, and it seems like all the grandmothers are so involved with the baby, especially in the first few days after coming home. I've offered to stay with my daughter, but she looks at me as if I'm crazy. I only live a few miles from her. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Will she want me around more once the baby is born?
I shouldn’t worry about this at all; once the baby’s born it will probably all come right; but I’d stop offering help at this stage. At the moment your daughter, like all new mothers, probably thinks she’ll sail gaily through all the post-natal problems, feel fine and know exactly what to do. When she actually has this squalling intractable precious object in her arms, she’ll feel far more vulnerable, I expect; and then she will probably welcome your help—and accept it more readily if she doesn’t see herself as giving in to what she’s previously refused.
Just tell her gently that you’ll be there for her if and when she wants you, and try very hard not to offer too much advice. Fashions in baby-care and particularly baby clothing change, so what you did yourself may or may not be relevant And it’s a perverse fact of nature that the less you’re succeeding in doing something –whether it’s cooking or trying to shut a suitcase or changing a nappy, the more you resent someone else telling you how to do it. Unfair, but there it is.
Mum is sandwiched between teenagers and an elderly parent
My grandmother moved from Essex to north London to be close to my mother (her daughter - an only child) and 'us' grandchildren. However, she refuses to make contacts outside her flats, and constantly complains about being here. My mum works four days; takes her shopping etc but is constantly being told how awful this area is and it's wearing Mum down. She is a single parent and can only do so much - any suggestions for Gran who we love?
I’m not surprised it’s getting your mum down, and good for you being concerned for her. There may not be much you can do, but you could try one or two of these suggestions.
Persuade your Mum to have a rigid timetable of visits, so that Gran knows when to expect her, but your Mum can be off duty the rest of the time. Do the same for you and stick to it. See if you can get anyone outside the family to take an interest - is there a church group? A local Age Concern? Gran may be refusing to make outside contacts because she’s simply scared of anything unknown and new; it’s understandable, however maddening.
You say you love your Gran, so she must have kindly qualities and would probably be appalled to realise how she’s grinding your mother down; you might try gently telling her how much her grumbles upset you all just because you care about her. And if none of that works in the least, try discussing with her how, since she’s plainly so miserable, she might go back to Essex – it just might jolt her into trying harder where she is now.
