Relationships Blog

Dating Diary

March 27, 2008: a token of your esteem?

Linda Franklin

Why our internet dating blogger, Linda Franklin, thinks it really is the thought that counts when you buy a gift for a loved one

Giving gifts to a lover - or a potential one - can be a minefield. My divorced mate, Julie, had met a medical Consultant on the dating website she'd now seen a few times and really liked. His birthday was coming up soon, but she was wary of sending a message extra to the one on the gift tag.

'I keep thinking about Viv at that Christmas party of that guy she'd taken a fancy to and going with more or less a sackful of presents as if she were Father Christmas!' Julie laughed. We were having lunch in Wagamama. 'She might just as well have put a sash round her saying: "I am a rich divorcee and you are a poor artist and I fancy you and I can buy you!"'

'Oh yes,' I said. 'He was quite interested before - hadn't they dated and bedded before the party? And did the starving artist relish being so lavishly gifted.?'

'Well, by the look on his face when these just pressies kept on coming - I'd say not. So embarrassing. People were tittering behind their hands. I don't think he's been in touch with her since - it was all wasted and miscalculated...'

Now I would sooner have no gift than the wrong gift. It offends me if people show me they just don't 'get' me at all, or that they do - but they want me to change to be like them, or to want what they want. Like my mum buying me things such as napkin rings when I wouldn't dream of having napkins when what's wrong with kitchen roll? And then - not only do you get something that peeves you slightly - but you're obligated to buy something back and that's more trouble and waste. I clearly don't have the gift-giving gene and don't get at all that it's the thought that counts: that thought often being you should be other than you are.

'What's the worst present a lover ever gave you?' I asked Julie.

'Vaginal freshener,' she said, glumly.

'Eeeuw...' I put down the piece of salmon I'd picked up and had half way to my mouth. 'What did you do?'

'Sprayed it in his face!'

'Well, that gave the message loud and clear what you thought of him!'

Julie tittered: 'Yes - he was a right one... I'll get Nelson cufflinks,' she said.

At that moment I got a call on my mobile. Now I don't usually take calls when I'm with someone, but it was Bill - and it meant there'd probably been some news about the baby that was due. 'Chantal's had the baby!' he said. 'It's a girl! 7lb 12oz!'

'Does she look like you?' I wanted to know. 'Was her other ex there?'

'No to the first and yes to the second,' he said.

'And? Will you have a DNA test to see who's dad?'

'I don't think there's much point, really. The ex has bright ginger hair - and so does the baby...'

'I see - we'd better have a drink later this week to wet that baby's head then.'

'Yes, that would be good,' he said sadly.

I filled Julie in. 'Well, does the father actually love the woman enough to want to stay with her and help bring up baby?' She asked. 'She might be better off with Bill.'

'You're right, of course - we shall see.'

Later that evening I was giving myself a pedicure and thinking it all through and reviewing my own situation. I'd got a text earlier that week from Hank the Yank asking if I was keeping 'cosy' but saying he was having a great time travelling. And I hadn't heard from Alan the Criminal Lawyer at all, despite the fact he said he wanted to meet up again after our last day in Brighton. And then the phone rang. And who should it be but Alan.

'Look, sorry I haven't been in touch,' he said. 'I've been inundated with work. But I really enjoyed that afternoon and - this might seem a bit forward - but do you fancy coming to Barcelona with me in a month's time? I've got some holiday and I need to take it and just have a change of scenery and it would be nice to go with you. No strings, we'll each pay for ourself and have separate rooms.'

Now, as it happens, my children were due to be with their father then and I was footloose and free and needed a break myself. Usually I'm a pretty cautious person, but I decided for once to play it differently. Why not?

'Okay,' I said. 'That would be great.'

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