Relationships Blog

Dating Diary

May 1, 2008: switching off the stand-by mode

Linda Franklin

Our internet dating blogger, Linda Franklin, on why being single means you only have to be responsible for yourself

The great thing about being essentially single is that you never have to stand by your man when he's messed up.

You don't have to pretend to the world you're just fine about the fact he's had an affair, or is a jerk socially, or has bad breath or terrible taste in jumpers or is toe curlingly awful on the dance floor but won't see it. Nor that he teases your friends in a way that offends them, or is horribly mean and carries a purse or his default position is grumpy - or some other such crime against female sensibility.

If you're single you can just walk away, let them get on with their own problems and play their games on their own.

Hank the Yank texted to say he was back in the UK and could I put him up if he came down to Brighton one weekend? I could show him round the Pavilion and he'd heard the Lanes were pretty and he'd take me up on that offer of dinner...

And I thought - nah... I couldn't actually.

I like going at my own space at the weekends and seeing friends and pottering about and doing a bit of writing for my MA and having a laugh with my sons. I didn't feel like turning my home into a hotel for someone who was rarely available and spent most of his time talking about his ex - against whom I clearly didn't rank.

A therapist friend of mine uses this phrase: 'Take back your own power!' Meaning if someone is basically playing you around then stop playing with them. Pack up your marbles and go. You might not have them to play with any more - but was the game fun for you anyway?

And I thought: it isn't good for me. I like a bit of space in a relationship, but this was hardly a relationship. If he were in Brighton and we saw each other occasionally that would be fine - but he isn't and I'm not a great one for being hostess and tour guide at the convenience of another. So I texted him: 'Sorry, Hank - been great knowing you but have met someone else, no longer available, best xxx...' And that was that - no having to put up with his nonsense any more.

Then this very interesting guy emailed me: beautiful looking, long blond hair, worked out regularly in the gym, young - well, thirties - media job, ambitious, planned to be a famous film producer and a millionaire. Bless. He suggested tea at The Grand one afternoon and I was intrigued, so I said yes.

You know he was all he'd said on the box and more: he was charming, attentive, treated me like cut glass and was very amusing. He held open doors, took me out to dinner, sent me home in a taxi charged to his account, sent flowers and asked if I'd come to a dinner party in a restaurant given by his film company on Saturday night - he wanted me to meet them.

'It's too much, too full on,' I said to Ewan. 'I'm old enough to be his mother! I don't know what he wants from me.'

'Go see what he wants,' said Ewan. 'I'll be down in a couple of months and I can help you check them out but until then you're on your own, girl...'

I soon found out. The dinner was great, his work mates highly entertaining and lovely to me and he was on good form. Then he got a call on his mobile.

'Excuse me, I have to take this,' he said to me. 'It's mother.'

He went outside to take it and then came back in, looking harried. 'Apologies to everyone, but I have to go,' he said to the table generally. Then he came and sat by me as he finished his coffee. 'Really sorry about having to cut it short, but my dad died recently so she's upset and needs me,' he said.

'I'm so sorry about your dad,' I said. 'And of course your mum needs you now.'

'Yes, she said she can't sleep without me there - we've been sharing a bed since dad died,' he explained.

I phone Ewan in the taxi back: 'You were mummy number two!' He said.

I was jolly glad there was no onus on me to stand by someone like that...

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