Relationships
Dating
Is this The One?
Is he or she really the one for you? How do you know if this is it? Dating guru Carol Dix gives us a few clues
With Valentine fever in the air, many people will be thinking about how to find the one real true love. Yet even though we might believe we’re looking for love, romance, even some passion, there’s a danger that we might miss out and let the right one pass us by.
Why? Because we’ve become too used to spotting the fatal flaws, too quick to think ‘no, this just won’t work’.
The downside to years of wisdom and experience is that we can truthfully say been there, done that, got the t-shirt! Our checklists of attributes, or rather must-not-haves, gets longer and longer.
Yet people do meet that someone special, it clicks, and they stay together. Then it makes no difference whether you’re 25 or 55 and over, the wow factor will strike. But the factor that affects older people falling in love again is fear: of failure, being hurt, disillusioned, deceived. Just about any fear you can think up.
Why this could be the right one for you
Chemistry I don’t mean you’re having fantastic sex when you meet once a week. More that you relish and revel in the smell, touch, taste and any other sensation you can think of in the other. You love the look of his or her eyes, smile, and sound of their laugh.
Chuck out the checklists You throw out those old checklists filled in for online dating sites. Now it doesn’t seem to matter that you don’t both like the same kind of books, newspapers, or films. What’s more important is a shared sense of values, needs, how you have fun together.
Type casting He or she may not be your usual type that you find attractive. It’s amazing how moving on from our ‘I only like tall men so tall, or blonde women etc’ can really help free us up to find a totally unexpected new mate or partner.
More than just a plus one
Many of us single again in our middling years can be quite lonely. Is wanting to be together more than just a way of filling obvious gaps in your life?
Some good signs to watch out for:
- You really like this person. You began to feel like friends even at the same time realising you were attracted to each other.
- You don't rely on text messaging to communicate. Of course, you might send little quirky notes and smileys to each other during the day, but neither of you is afraid to pick up the phone and talk.
- There’s an openness between you, so you feel you can tell him or her (after a few dates or weeks) some of the sad stories of your life, without fearing that they will be put off seeing you again.
- You’re kind and sympathetic to each other; able to give some space, or time and not rush them if they’re taking more time to ‘commit’ or even to talk about this as a possible ongoing relationship.
- Neither pushes the other to have sex till they are ready – but you both seem keen on the idea and definitely enjoy all the kissing ‘and cuddling.
- You slide quite easily into agreeing to meet at weekends, even talk of going on a holiday together. You’re not being consigned to Thursday evenings nor are events like Christmas out of the question.
- You’ve gone through some challenging situations together – either major disagreements or perhaps being delayed at an airport for several hours – and have emerged still liking each other and able to laugh about it!
- You’re not wracked by anxiety and jealousy when he or she is out of your sight.
On the same page
However, what do you do if you feel they are right for you, but your partner doesn’t seem so convinced?
Sometimes it’s worth making the extra effort, if you’re convinced but they are not. Don’t be pushy. Just be prepared to give the other person time, space, and plenty of loving care. They might be that much more terrified of the idea of commitment again, after a previous lost love or bereavement. Or, plain commitment-shy. Or so out of practice that they can’t believe it’s happening!
Finding someone whom we can love is part of the random selection of life, which is why online social networking and internet dating sites have proven so popular. It helps us look outside of our own narrow social circle, widens the group from which we can choose or select, and just maybe shortens the odds that destiny will play you that winning card.
More on dating
- Getting back into the dating game
- Do you need a dating detox?
- Linda Franklin's unmissable dating diary
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Reader comments
I agree that marriage isn't the be all and end all, but for some it is improtant. We have all the finances sorted so that doesn't come into the matter.Recently a friend, who has been living with her partner for many years was rushed into hospital. Because they were not married, the hospital would not give him any information. Thats the sort of problem that can arrise. Also, if next of kin need to sign any concent form, trying to contact them when they live half-way round the globe can be a bit of a problem
Posted by: me | 09/02/2009 16:24:24
WHY DO YOU NEED A DOCUMENT AND A LEGAL CEREMONY[UNLESS YOU ARE RELIGIOUS]? DONT FORGET THAT MANY MEN [AND NOW PROPERTY OWNING WOMEN]ARE AFRAID OF LEGAL WRANGLING OVER PROPERTY IF THEY DIVORCE. LEAVE IT[MARRIAGE]TO THE YOUNG AS A FUN 'rite de passage'
Posted by: Dorothy | 25/10/2008 19:40:28
Corinne I am in an almost identical situation to you! If I am completely honest, I don't know if I would really like to remarry either (or to be more precise, I don't really see the point of it), however, I feel deeply hurt that my partner doesn't want to marry me (nor, presumably, anyone else). Call me illogical, but I hate the idea that, on any form he fills in, he would describe himself as 'widowed', even though he is in a serious relationship. I too suspect that my partner is still married to his wife, who also died from cancer. Still, as has already been said, it is probably not that important in the grand scheme of things.
Posted by: Patricia | 06/07/2008 23:16:45
Thank you Snowy. I suppose I should be thankful for what I have. He shows me love, takes me anywhere I want to go, bought me a brand new car and my adorable spaniel, loves my daughter and her family. What more should I want? I suppose its only a piece of paper at the end of the day and whats in a name.
Posted by: Corinne | 13/03/2008 23:20:13
As a man in a similar position to the one you describe, I can identify with his stance. His reluctance shouldn't be seen as a lack of committment, its everything else that counts.
Posted by: Snowy | 07/03/2008 16:12:26
No sex doesn't come into it. I just think he is afraid.He is a widower and I am divorced, I think he is still 'married' to his late wife. He says he can't get her death out of his mind. She had cancer and was only ill for 10 weeks before she passed away at home.It isn't as if we were a couple of kids, we are both in our late 50's. I know it isn;t the be all and end all, but I don't want my ex husbands name on my head stone, I need to belong. That I know will make a lot of people very angry but that is how I feel. In every other way we are marvelous together, he will give me anything and take me anywhere. It hasn't been brought into the conversations for a long time, I try to avoid it. Its mainly when other people, family and friends, bring up the subject. Or when friends get engaged or married, it makes you start to wonder if it will ever be my turn. To be honest I feel now I am too old.
Posted by: Corinne | 06/03/2008 21:56:12
Next time, get a pen and write down what he says then get him to sign it! Does he promise things if he thinks that sex is in the offing or is it arbitary? Try to find out why he is so scared of commitment. Has he been married before?
Posted by: flicky | 16/02/2008 18:49:17
I enjoyed reading your comments, but my partner and I have been together for 11 years, living together for 6years, and although we love each other dearly, he will not commit to get engaged or married. I know for some it is not important, but I feel it is. Several times he has mentioned it, even asked me to get married, but the naext day he either goes off the idea or denies ever saying anything. What should I do. Any ideas?
Posted by: Corinne Morgan | 13/02/2008 21:49:04
