If you had three months to learn a language how far would you get?

Would you be able to discuss the finer points of the war in Iraq or would you still be stuck at the stage where you can order a beer, say good morning and that’s about it?

We asked four writers to see how far they could get in the time limit - here is Bernice Davison's report. Follow the links on the left to read how Paul Humphreys, Pat Wheare and Don Berry got on.

Memory full

Monday - Week One: “Hugo: Spanish in Three Months. By using the Hugo method, you will find learning to understand and speak Spanish enjoyable and easy.”

OK, Bernice, now you know what a good starter – and bad finisher – you are, so this time, read the instructions carefully, and do exactly what it says on the pack. We start with Pronunciation, well that sounds sensible.

Good grief. The intro music sounds like a backing track from Wish You Were Here – I can see the camera panning across a sunny bay, Judith Chalmers walking into shot with her jauntiest marine-and-white top and trousers combo...

Concentrate. Now, pronunciation. Oh dear, oh dear, ha ha ha, the guy doing the intro bit – he sounds just like Manuel from Fawlty Towers.

The music was bad enough, but he really has an almost stage Spanish accent. Must catch his name, he says it so fast I can't get it.

Maybe if I listen to a bit more of the pronunciation chapter I'll be able to understand what he's saying – even though he’s speaking English. OK, paella…ciudad, mujer....ah, got it. He's Xavier Fernandez.

Well I'm glad he’s only doing the intro bit and not sounding out all the words. The woman who does that is much better – a lovely clear voice, and no hint of any sort of character so I can stop being sidetracked and listen to what she’s actually pronouncing.

I can’t even imagine what she looks like, she sounds so anonymous. How interesting, there can’t be many people whose voice doesn’t summon up some sort of mental picture…

Oh for heaven’s sake, stop being side-tracked and actually concentrate. At this rate, I'll be still be doing pronunciation at this time next week.

Monday - Week Two: Pronunciation. I'm not sure about this woman, I think she has got character. I think she's actually thinking that this job's beneath her, just reciting words for a language course, but she really wants more from life.

She’s very good. I can copy her teatro, niño, casa, mesa perfectly. But doesn’t her guerra sound just like that comedian woman did on Not The Nine O Clock News when she was pretending, it did make me laugh, to be Angela Rippon.

Crumbs, look at the time, I must see if the washing machine's stopped and get the stuff on the line before the sun disappears…

Monday - Week Three/Four/Five/Six: Pronunciation. Possession. Past Tenses. I really don’t feel I’m getting on very well. I can say it all absolutely fine (my Spanish accent is just as good as the Bland Woman’s).

Every day I read more ‘rules’ and then put the CD on and have a jolly 'sing-along-a-Spanish' sort of half-hour (but only when everyone's out, otherwise they'd laugh at silly old Mum thinking she can learn Spanish at home on her own).

But by the time I start another chapter I’ve forgotten what was in the one before. Maybe I just haven’t got any space left in my brain for this, it’s pretty full these days.

Must remember to put the rubbish out later on, it’s recycling collection tomorrow and I haven’t bagged up all the newspapers yet.

Oh dear, now I’ve missed the Bland Woman going through the past participle. Stop the CD, jump back to the start of this track….

Oh look, it’s time for Woman’s Hour on Radio 4. I’ll just listen for ten minutes or so, then I’ll have another go…

End of term report: Bernice Davison failed miserably to achieve ‘Spanish in Three Months’. She feels that without someone like her Latin teacher Miss Fitzgerald standing at the front of the classroom firing questions at random, dishing out homework, gold stars, black marks and general terror, she will never make the grade on her own.

Hugo: Complete Spanish CD Language Course (Hugo in Three Months and Hugo Advanced) from Dorling Kindersley, £45.

This article was created: 23 August 2006.
This article was last edited: 7 November 2006.

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