Related articles

Meet new friends at Saga Zone

Sexual healing

Ask Mary a question

Useful websites

Relate - the relationship people

The British Associaton of Sexual and Relationship Therapy (BASRT)

Couple Counselling

Don't miss

Take a deep breath and diffuse your anger

Val Hennessy finds a swimsuit

Your say - the place for esoteric conversation

For the latest on love, sign up for our fortnightly email newsletter here

How to revive your love life

According to a recent survey, 52 percent of those questioned believe you can have a happy marriage without an active sex life. So if that's you, don't let anything you read or see on TV make you start worrying unnecessarily. But if lack of sex is distressing you, there is plenty you can do to change the situation for the better, says Saga's sex expert Mary Clegg

Where do you begin?

You need to look for non-threatening ways to open a discussion with your partner. It's important to articulate how the situation is affecting you, perhaps by saying “I feel xyz about this…how do you feel?”, and to and give the other person the opportunity to explain their side too.

Do you still fancy each other?

If either of you says no, you will have to be honest about the reasons. It may be that something simple like losing a few pounds will remedy the situation but sometimes more profound changes may be needed.

Do you feel attractive?

If you hate what you see in the mirror, you're unlikely to feel sexy and confidence can easily evaporate in a sexless relationship. Remember that, if you feel and act sexy, the chances are that your partner will see you that way too.

Forgotten how to communicate?

Give each other time to talk without interruption: that means really listening and not just waiting for your turn to speak. I find it helpful to have a “talking spoon”. I use a wooden mixing spoon: only the person holding it is allowed speak and you have to take it in turns. If communication dries up, ends in an argument or tears, or can't get started at all, take a short break, but come back to the issue.

What do you want?

One of the best inhibition busters is the “Wishing Bowl”. Take time out together and write down a list of sensual and sexual things you would like to try. Discuss each wish before putting it into the bowl. Ideally the bowl should have an equal number of wishes for each of you. Include ideas like how much sex you would like, what sort, whether you have any fantasies. Humour is essential in this game as is a positive attitude to making it work. Discussing ways to achieve a better sexual relationship heightens the libido. Set aside regular time together to take a wish out of the bowl and act on it.

Have the years opened a gap?

Outside influences may affect the intimate side of your relationship, such as financial hardship, death of a loved one, empty-nest syndrome. Physical problems associated with ageing may mean that what was good 10 years ago feels different now. For example, erections may be more difficult to achieve or sustain; thinning of the vagina or loss of lubrication after menopause may make intercourse painful. It doesn't mean that love has been lost, so don't be shy of sharing any such problems with your partner.

Time to start afresh?

Find ways to show your love for each other every day: such as cuddles and kisses, hand holding and snuggling up on the sofa. If it has been a long time since you had sex, start slowly and keep sex off the agenda for now so neither of you feels under pressure to perform. The first goal could be to gradually build excitement and enthusiasm for touching, stroking and caressing each other. If you are both relaxed and happy with each other, sex will be a natural progression.

Need expert help

The organisations below will help you find a local trained counsellor. You can go on your own to start with, but success is more likely if you deal with the issues together.

Can you help Mary Clegg?

This article was created: 14 July 2006.
This article was last edited: 15 August 2007.

Email  Back to top