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The ex factor

Michael Lawson gives us the inside track on meeting people through the personal ads of magazines and newspapers

That first meeting

The crunch comes with the first meeting - however much you might get on with someone on the phone, often you just can't see yourself going out with the person on meeting them. This makes you realise the unconscious importance we attach to appearance, one divorcee I met simply could not hide the horror on her face at seeing me (she was not my type anyway) and clearly wished to bring the meeting to an end as soon as possible - I mischievously tried to prolong it.

On the other hand some people, particularly divorcées and those who have been on their own a long time, decide that they have made a mistake and that they really do not want any sort of relationship. This can shake your confidence until you realise their hang-ups have nothing to do with you.

People who have been on their own for a long time tend to have regular arrangements - an art class or a yoga class and on the whole have become so busy that, although they have advertised, they have little time to meet anyone. The displacement activity has become an end in itself.

Pension concerns

Apart from the lack of chemistry and the belief that a spouse cannot be replaced, there are new practical factors that affect the nature of a relationship.

Many women today are self-sufficient and would not like to lose their freedom, but I think that there is no reason why a women should not have a relationship and still be independent. Women are happy to go out with a man, and even to go on holiday with him (one actually said in her advert that she was fed-up with single room supplements) but they are apprehensive about being tied down.

There is also a financial aspect. Widows can have two and even three pensions which could be lost on re-marriage or even co-habitation. The proverbial “rich widow” could lose her riches if she starts a new relationship.

Dating disasters

Since there are more widows than widowers it is not often one can compare notes with men, but one man told me that as he was about to sleep with his new partner she said to him: “Of course Joe died in this bed!”.

Another man had been taking a lady to tea dances until one week during a dance she told him that she had got engaged to someone else the day before - and she could not understand why he did not want to make any further arrangements.

I myself had taken out for coffee a couple of times a woman I knew from a society, and chatted to her on the phone, before, on trying to arrange another date, she said: “By the way, I must tell you that I have got married.” She had never been married before and had married an old friend who had been widowed.

Although there is a code of complete confidentiality (in the early stages nobody likes to admit that they are advertising or answering adverts) women often tell me of the odd men they have met. One was still driving the car in which his wife had committed suicide. A man who said he was 5ft 6in turned out to be only 4ft 11in when the lady met him. You may get more replies if you lie, but the truth will have to come out at some stage.

My experience with adverts makes me doubt whether a marriage bureau would be any better. Bureaus are keen to publicise their successes, but since few people admit to using a bureau, one has no idea how many failures there are. You are really paying a great deal of money for a selection process, which may be no better than an advertisement, and as one lady put it me: “you have still to meet over a cup of coffee.”

At the end of the day one realises that most people meet their first spouse by chance. The trouble is that as one grows older there are fewer social occasions or other situations in which such meetings can occur.

This article was created: 9 November 2006.
This article was last edited: 15 August 2007.

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