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When your kids won't accept your new partner

You've found someone new and now you're ready to take it further - but will your kids stop you in your tracks? Carol Dix explains how to handle it gently but firmly

You started dating and to your delight now you're in a serious relationship with a wonderful new partner. You have to pinch yourself because you can't believe it's for real. This new love in your life means you are so much happier. Now you're talking of moving in together or even getting married. How will your grown children or other family members react?

The unfortunate truth is that your newfound happiness may not be viewed kindly by those closest to you. In fact, it can lead to major problems as old patterns of relationships are shaken to the core.

Bereavement, 50+ divorcees and new singles, can all discover unexpected problems.

'When I finally plucked up courage to tell my mid 20s daughters that the younger man I've been seeing for the past year or so was now going to move in with me, it was as though a tornado blew through the room and wrecked everything in its wake,' says Gillian, 61. Adam, her lover, is twenty years younger. Gillian is radiantly in love, but  still distressed by the effect on her children.

'Deep down I guessed it might go like this, as things have always been rather tricky since their father died. But I didn't expect the level of rage and bitterness. We haven't resolved it yet. They seem to feel humiliated by the idea of his being so much younger, as though it's shameful.'

Just as with sibling rivalry, when children are young, a new partner shifts the balance and can lead to older children feeling rejected and resentful.

Martin, now in his mid 60s, has been living with Fiona, nearly 30 years his junior, for the past 10 years. They have a nine-year-old daughter Siri. Just over five years ago, the couple married. Martin is divorced from his first wife but they both live in the same town. The older children took the news of his new partner very badly.

'I must admit it was a shock to them, as Fiona and I had only just started seeing each other when she became pregnant. I had to tell my 27-year-old daughter and 20 year old son the news that, not only was Fiona going to live with me, but we were having a baby! As I see it, I have the right to a life too. Fiona and Siri have brought me tremendous joy, at a stage in life when I felt the world was ready to put me on the scrap heap!'

It doesn't have to be a question of age gaps either. One woman found her elder children very disapproving of her new partner, because he's an unemployed artist while their father is a high flyer. Another, who was contemplating divorce at age 60, from her husband after over 30 years of marriage, was told by her daughter in no uncertain terms that she was being really stupid. 'Why break up now? was her attitude. As though my life had more or less come to an end!'

Some tips to ease the path through change

• If marriage or sharing a house is in question, do sort out the inheritance issues. Remarriage would mean that your property and savings go to your new spouse. Protect your children's rights by writing a new will.
• Draw up a prenuptial agreement, even if living together (cohabitation brings its own rights these days), so your new partner would not be able to sue you for half of all your wealth should the relationship break down.
• If your children are so upset that they cannot cope with meeting your new partner, arrange to spend special time with them on your own.
• Major change in family structures is never easy. Don't try to make light of the situation or condemn your older children for their reaction.
• Enjoy your new life but make an extra effort to show your older children how much you love them.

Carol Dix is the author of The Ultimate Guide to 21st Century Dating

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