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Handing over the Christmas reins
When your grown-up children announce "Mum, Dad, you do Christmas every year, now it's our turn", chances are your reaction will play out in one of two ways, writes Julie Goodhand
You may be the parent who smiles appreciatively, gasps "that's wonderful" and perhaps even (when backs are turned) punches the air in exaltation.
Alternatively, you will be the parent with the less-convincing smile, who pictures their Christmas crumbling like a badly-made pud under the control of their inexpert offspring.
Though you may be reluctant to accept, Chartered Psychologist Kairen Cullen advises you to view the invitation as a huge compliment.
"The fact that your children are together enough to be able to create their own family celebration is an acknowledgement and an endorsement of your parenting," she explains.
"Being clear from the start that you’re not in charge, that you’ve got a different contribution, is probably key to enjoying it and being able to relax."
It is this ability to go with the flow that eludes many of us on the 25th. The perfect image of Christmas bombards us from films, advertisements and the press, and it is hard not to strive for faultless festivities ourselves.
Kairen says we should apply renowned psychoanalyst DW Winnicott's theory of the 'good enough mother' to the holidays. A 'good enough' Christmas should be, well, good enough.
"The things that don’t turn out as planned are often the source of great enjoyment," Kairen points out. "These Ideal Home, template, designer Christmases, if that's what you want, you’d probably do best to go to a hotel."
But of course, there's a difference between unnecessary anticipatory pessimism and clear-cut proof that things won't go swimmingly.
Knowing your unculinary daughter and son-in-law haven't the first clue which end of a turkey to stuff, for example, is liable to create tensions, if not rumbling tummies, come lunchtime.
"It's about being pre-planned," advises Kairen. "Make an offer some time ahead, outside the emotional heat of the day."
This means offering to bring along some element of the day's food, rather than standing at the shoulder of your offspring chastising them as commit crimes against roast potatoes.
But let us return to those carefree parents, those who think their Christmas day kitchen prison sentence is spent, the ones who are overjoyed that they won't be frittering away Christmas Eve in all-out combat in a supermarket aisle.
A child's grand gesture to play host can fade faster than failing fairy lights if it's followed by a string of demands for help. Doing all the work as always, yet getting none of the credit, can lead to strong feelings of resentment.
"If you’re getting a sense that you’re being set up to run the show," says Kairen, "if you don’t address that beforehand, you really are setting yourself up for some really negative, difficult dynamics on the day."
But, of course, while the presents under the Christmas tree may be a big surprise to you, your family's behaviour shouldn’t be. You accept these people's foibles the rest of the year, why not on Christmas Day?
"The thing to remember is you wouldn’t be in this situation if there wasn't this huge strong connection and history," says Kairen on a positive note. "If all else fails there's that to fall back on."
This article was created: 6 December 2006.
This article was last edited: 7 December 2006.
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