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Ask first, that's the rule

By now people who like to know what they’re doing on Tuesday in a year’s time have doubtless already worked out where they will be for Christmas; and even the rest of us are beginning to think about it. And your letters reflect the fact that, much though we love staying with other people or having them to stay with us, such visits are not always without pitfalls, writes Katharine Whitehorn

You never know quite what a creature of habit you are until someone offers you a shower instead of a bath, or tea instead of coffee at breakfast. Grown-ups have often thankfully forgotten just how early in the morning small children wake up. And smoking, once taken for granted, is nowadays an area riddled with landmines.

A good deal of the problem, I’m increasingly convinced, is that good old cliché, “a problem of communication”. The visitor didn’t know about the muddy Boxing Day walk and doesn’t have the right shoes; the host had no idea his guest was allergic to cats. I only realised this about a friend as he coughed and spluttered his way to the door, gulping “It was probably a mistake to call me Felix” – that was the thriller-writer Dick Francis’s son, and Dick’s problem was that he was so used to getting up at dawn to ride horses that he woke hours before everyone else and longed for breakfast.

However, if there’s one area where we really need a little more openness, it’s the question of how much a guest should help. I’ve heard as many grumbles at guests who “didn’t lift a finger” as about those who “kept following me about trying to help.” Offering is surely OK, your hostess can refuse or your host explain that he always puts up the lights by himself. But sailing in and doing jobs unasked is asking for trouble – let alone using appliances. I broke a coffee machine simply by not knowing it liked cold water and exploded if offered hot.

Rules about never criticising your daughter or daughter-in-law’s arrangements need to be doubled in spades over the coming festive season; if hostess or guest is going to sleep or go out for a few hours, they should say so firmly, so that everyone else can enjoy a break too. But if there’s only one golden rule, it’s simple: don’t guess, ask.

Here are a few of your recent dilemmas:

Mountain of debt
Q: I have dug myself a big hole and I can’t get out of it. I have credit cards totalling £7,500 and £1,500 and I cannot now pay the big one as I have lost my job due to relocation and I am of pension age. I rang the company but it was automated and eventually got through to a very unhelpful man so I just gave up. The amount I have to pay each month isn’t possible now; is there any way I can pay a smaller amount? My husband only receives a low wage and is on the point of retiring.

KW: Oh dear, what a problem – I do sympathise, however it came about – we are so often positively urged to get into debt. But you must do something sensible now: you need more advice than I can give you. What you should do, I think, is go to your nearest Citizens Advice Bureau and ask them for debt counselling: believe me, you are not alone, and they are very used to sorting out ways of getting you out of this mess, or putting you on to people who can. The one thing not to do is to fall for some offers that may come your way to pull all your debts into one – “consolidate” is the word they use – and let them take it over. Some of these firms make out they are helping you, but they end up making a fat pot of money and you’ll end up worse off than ever.

A long betrayal
Q: I had been married for 40 years when my husband died suddenly last year. Imagine my shock/horror/amazement when I received a solicitor’s letter making a claim on his will on behalf of a woman with whom he’d been in a relationship for more than 30 years. A colleague of his confirmed that “everyone” in the business community he worked in knew of the affair and believed that I knew and had agreed to tolerate it. I knew work always came first for him; I suspected nothing. He always came home and we still made love – his mistress said he’d told her we had a brother-and-sister relationship. At first I felt hurt, bewildered and betrayed, but later I was angry. If I could ask one question it would be what reasons did he give her for not leaving me? It was not the family – our children had long left home.

KW: I can’t think of anything more awful than this retrospective distrust; what you’ve had to endure beats even the usual misery of widows. The only thing I can say is that the more you look at the way your husband behaved, the more it seems certain that, mistress or no mistress, he must have cared deeply for you. As you say, if she was his main love, why didn’t he leave? He wasn’t in a profession where being divorced carries any sort of stigma or penalty. And it doesn’t really matter what he told her – he must have lied to her as much as he did to you.

Possibly many a man would like to have two loves, to answer different sides of his personality; I know of more than one who divides his time between two women, but for most it’s not feasible. Nothing can alter your anger that he deceived you, but it doesn’t mean that he didn’t love you or that all you had was an illusion. If it had been, he wouldn’t have stayed.

I hope very much that you can somehow come to terms with this, and from the courageous tone of your letter, I think you will.

Visit from abroad
Q: I have lived alone for a long time. Every year my niece comes over from Australia, works at her London office for a week and then stays with me for three weeks; while here she goes out and about, sometimes takes me out and sees to all the meals. I enjoy her visits. Her next visit is in February next year but this time she wants to bring a female friend with her. I do not like the idea at all, though my reasons for not welcoming this friend seem so feeble. I sometimes don’t get up till 9am and I do not have central heating. I feel too old and tired to have a stranger in the house and make the extra effort required.

KW: I can see this prospect must seem very daunting; but from your niece’s point of view, travelling with a friend may be far more rewarding than crossing the world on her own, and I fear that if you simply refuse to have the friend, you may see much less of your niece. So if it would be a mistake to refuse to have the friend at all, I suggest you write sounding very welcoming, but express all your doubts. Don’t be afraid to mention your health issues, but say you think it might be better for the friend just to stay for a few days. If you can bear this, you can probably manage to cope for a short time; who knows, you might even enjoy the new company. And lay down a few ground rules: several people use my house as a base, but it’s clearly understood that they get their own breakfast and don’t talk until I’ve had mine – you could do something along the same lines.

Reluctant speaker
Q: Some time ago I wrote to you because my daughter’s partner was unable to obtain a divorce. Well, suddenly the divorce came through and they are getting married. It will only be a small wedding but held in the town’s lovely Guildhall. My husband is not used to public speaking, so would like to keep his speech short but correct. We thought to welcome the guests and give a toast to the bride and groom. Will this be sufficient?

KW: I’m sure it will – but if the pair want a bit more speechmaking, there’s no hard-and-fast rule about who may make one. I’ve known a groom make a long and witty speech instead of the routine health of the bridesmaids plus a gulping first reference to “my wife”, and one of my friends gave a speech at her daughter’s wedding, beginning: “The mother of the bride is supposed to do nothing except keep quiet and wear beige. Well, I’m not good at either” – and was delightedly applauded.

Click here for another modern dilemma: 'Handing over the Christmas reins'

This article was created: 7 December 2006.
This article was last edited: 7 December 2006.

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