Can't orgasm? How to help it along

Siski Green / 06 September 2016

Finding you can't orgasm? There are some surprising tips and techniques that can get you to climax, find out what they are.



Socks

Never thought of socks as sexy? Think again. Researchers from the University of Grøningen in the Netherlands found that women who kept their socks on were more likely to orgasm (80% orgasmed with socks on, compared to 50% without). Their thinking is that keeping socks on helped keep both partners warm, which helped make them feel relaxed and possibly also meant that the heart could be focused on pumping blood to the genitals, increasing arousal and sensitivity, rather than to the extremities in an effort to keep warm.

Getting sweaty

To enjoy getting sweaty in the bedroom you need to get sweaty out of the bedroom. “Arousal and climax is facilitated by bloodflow,” says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner. “That means that if your circulation and heart is in bad shape, your body might struggle to get enough blood to your genitals to get you to arousal. By working out and improving your heart health and losing weight, you’ll not only feel sexier, you’ll give your body the tools it needs to give you complete arousal and a far better chance of climax.”

Read our tips for increasing your libido

Working out

Getting fit is a pre-requisite if you can’t reach orgasm but would like to (see above) but there’s something more. Research published in Sexual and Relationship therapy found that abdominal exercises, climbing and lifting weights, specifically, could produce orgasms for women.

A head massage

Several studies have revealed links between how relaxed a woman feels to how likely it is she will orgasm – basically if she’s feeling stressed, it’s not likely to happen. So getting a woman to shake off the stresses and pressure of the day is key.

“A head massage works so well for two reasons,” says Kerner. “First, unlike a back massage or a full-body massage, there’s no suggestion of sex so your offer to massage her head doesn’t appear to come with any ulterior motive, which makes it seem more generous and, yes, sexier! But it’s also great because the scalp contains a lot of nerve endings so can actually be even more arousing than a back massage, for example, where there aren’t so many nerve endings.” 

Use an oil if she’s okay with that, and massage her head with gentle circular motions, as well as fanning your fingers out from the top of her head down towards the nape of her neck.

Find out how to please a woman in bed

Simply getting naked more often

If you only ever get naked and touch, skin-to-skin, when you’re trying to have sex, this could be a reason why you can’t climax. “Skin on skin contact releases oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone,” says Kerner. “It’s hard to climax if your body isn’t producing enough of it and so a simple solution is to actively try to simply spend time naked in each others’ arms.” It needn’t lead to sex every time or even at all, it’s simply a way of getting your body’s primed for orgasm when you do decide to enjoy sex together.

How to train yourself for orgasm

Just like anything in life, orgasms are something you can get into training for! Find out how to 'work out' so you increase the chances of orgasm every time...

Work your PC muscle

No, we’re not suggesting you log on to your computer – your PC muscle is the key to orgasm. 

Clitorial orgasms are a result of stimulation on your clitoris, obviously, but the pulsing sensation of orgasm you feel is created by your pubococcygeus muscle (the PC muscle) – the same muscle you use to hold your pee in if you need to go but can’t. 

So, the stronger that muscle is, the more likely you’ll experience an orgasm and, if you’re already enjoying regular climaxes, you’ll start to enjoy stronger orgasms. 

You can exercise this muscle by ‘squeezing’ the muscle whenever you have time, but there are other ways to strengthen the muscle. “Try focusing on how it feels when you squeeze – it’s possible to squeeze the muscles as though you’re pulling inwards, and also squeeze as though you’re pushing something out of your vagina,” says Dr Kerner. 

“Also, like other muscles in your body, this muscle benefits from doing lots of rapid repetitions – several squeeze-and-releases in a row, as well as trying to squeeze and hold, then release, for a longer time.” 

Vary your exercise in this way and you’ll get super strong muscles and… super strong orgasms too!

Find some time

You can’t train yourself to have orgasms or better and different orgasms unless you give yourself the time and space to do so. “Give yourself a couple of hours,” says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner. “Don’t put pressure on yourself, enjoy the process. Try to avoid focusing on orgasm as the end goal and instead just explore your body. It’s often when you’re not trying too hard that an orgasm comes.”

Do it differently

If you’re already able to orgasm one way, there are always other ways you can enjoy a climax. “So, for example, if you always orgasm using your vibrator, it could be good to start practising just using your fingers or a simple dildo,” says Kerner. 

“Again, don’t put pressure on yourself – the idea is to explore what your body is capable of.” With repeated practise, however, finding different ways to orgasm will make it far easier to orgasm with a partner as you’ll find that over time you gain more and more control over when and how to climax regardless of the stimulation you’re receiving.

Stop, then start

Once you’ve found a successful way to orgasm it’s easy to chase your climax every time, not stopping until you get there. But you could be missing out. 

“By getting close to orgasm, pulling back and taking a breather, still touching yourself but not in a way that will take you to climax, then starting again, you may well find that the resulting orgasm is more powerful than you would have otherwise,” says Kerner. “Over time, with lots of practise, you may even find that you are able to have multiple orgasms.”

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