The Naked Pensioner - putting men off their lunch
Erminette gets a gig as a 'Calendar Girl' - in a shop window Scanning the small ads in The Stage I came across one asking for ladies of a certain age to appear in various shop windows, re-creating the poses from the well-known WI calendar to publicise the appearance of the DVD of the film Calendar Girls. I did fall marginally outside the age group, in the sense that I was a bit older…but I emailed a photograph, my CV, and my willingness to appear unclothed in a window of their choice… and heard nothing. Until I got a quite unexpected call late on Saturday afternoon, offering me a chance to appear in Chichester. No sooner had I agreed than a courier arrived with the necessary props, a pair of glasses, a bracelet and some ear-rings, and the picture I was going to re-create – lady seated at piano. By this time I was wondering (as one does) if this was really a good idea. But, hey, I’d appeared in a window before – although fully clothed on that occasion, as a vampire, in an upright coffin, in Piccadilly, and suffered little, apart from the heat and from hearing people speculate as to whether "it" was real or not. The general agreement was that “it” was “a real head on a plastic body” which puzzles me to this day, as does the firm statement from a French accented voice: “Of course it is not real! Look at the feet! Those are not real feet I think…” which has left me with a certain slight concern about them… (occasionally I still look down and wonder).
When I saw the window I was perfectly sure it wasn’t a good idea. Somehow I had imagined that the window would be some way above the street. And – er – closed off. This was at street level. And all that stood between me and my public were some draperies and a large (floor to ceiling, thankfully) cardboard cut-out of a piano. A young man stood guard beside the draperies. The shop doors were open, and I could hear every comment from the pavement. To say nothing of those from people who came inside to make their points.
“It put me right off my lunch,” one man announced.
(Oh dear!)
“Couldn’t you have found a younger lady?” another asked plaintively.
(Well, this would hardly be in the spirit of the film which was about middle-aged ladies stripping off…)
“It’s not very nice is it?”
(Oh dear!)
“Can’t you do something about it?”
(Like – what?)
“I didn’t think it was real, but then she turned round and I got scared…”
(Arggh!)
“Oooo I wouldn’t do that for anything…”
(Well, I don’t expect anyone’s going to ask you, so that’s all right then.)
Yes, bitterness was beginning to creep in. I was cold. I was uncomfortable. I stiffened my spine and sat on, occasionally, as per instructions, looking over my shoulder and smiling. A smile that was becoming a trifle glazed. Especially when it met yet another mobile camera–phone raised to take yet another photograph of my bottom. Later, when I had finished (and been paid, swiftly and generously) I saw my photograph in the local paper. I looked like a large white bolster, set on end. Yes. It would have put anyone off their lunch.
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Reader commentsHilarious story - I laughed out loud several times. You obviously get a lot of fun out of what you do - thankyou for sharing it with us. Posted by: Reg Dixon | 24/11/2006 12:51:47 PM i am no prude but I cannot understand why women do these things! What point are they trying to make? Tell me someone...... Posted by: sheila potter | 15/9/2006 3:11:09 PM Oh well done - I'm full of admiration. And what a great job - no need to worry what the hell you're going to wear. Posted by: Sue Cullen | 10/9/2006 2:03:29 AM How about a photo for all to see Posted by: Sharpe | 9/9/2006 10:23:19 AM what a brave and honest dear woman you are. a nice strong woman as it takes a bit of nerve what you did even in the 21st century. i laughed when you discovered it was a real shop window at street level! what a shock. congratulations. Posted by: annie warner | 31/8/2006 5:02:56 PM Just signing up for your email letter Posted by: David S Robertson | 29/8/2006 3:12:37 PM On holiday or even walking through the towns on hot days you see men of uncertain ages, topless with large stomachs falling over their shorts. They flaunt their imperfections. What could be better than a beautiful female form. So well done! Posted by: ann jones | 29/8/2006 11:01:47 AM Brave lady and I admire her. But it seems that imperfections are a put-off when you become a certain age. Or is it we do not see many pictures of the mature person and view it as something undesirable that could be us in years to come.
Posted by: Joyce Steele | 26/8/2006 5:14:44 PM
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