Jenny Éclair on Christmas madness

15 November 2016

Jenny Éclair reports on a possible cure for ‘Seasonal festive fever’, otherwise known as ‘Christmas Madness’.

It’s that time of the year again, when the most vulnerable of us, (ie middle aged woman) are in danger of succumbing to the annual outbreak of that most infectious and insidious of diseases ‘Seasonal festive fever’ otherwise known as ‘Christmas Madness’  or ‘Mum’s Gone Bonkers Again,’ a debilitating and highly contagious infection which tends to leave men folk relatively unscathed whilst affecting millions of women across the country every year.

The virus can be transmitted in various ways, some C.M. germs are airborne, for example you may be innocently walking through a shopping centre on a lovely Autumn day when, without warning, Noddy Holder will start screaming ‘It’s Christmaaaas’ into your ear.

For a moment you will think you have lost your marbles, you check the date in your diary, it’s the last week of September, you are still wearing linen shirts and having salad for lunch, it can’t be Xmas, not unless you fell and bumped your head and have been in a coma for a couple of months.

Sadly feelings of confusion and panic are just some of the common side effects associated the early stages of this illness and by October, many women will start screaming they have ‘already left it too late to get on top of it’.

At this stage they will often stockpile some selection boxes, realise the ‘best before date’ is November the 1st and eat the whole lot in one go.

Sadly the condition can also be contracted by close personal contact, so beware spending the afternoon in the company of a friend who makes her own table crackers. Ditto those weirdos who send out personalised greetings cards detailing dizzying family achievements. Holidays in Mauritius and new kitchen extensions can be hard to compete with when the only things you recall happening this year include the dog dying and installing a new damp proof course.

At this point you may experience your first fit of weeping.

Crying is one of the commonest symptoms of CM. sufferers will cry at anything, the fact they can’t get into their best office party dress, buying a wonky Christmas tree and the realisation that they have been saddled with a load of ‘useless lumps’ for a family.

Of course doing some breathing exercises, popping into a relaxing yoga class or simply having a nice early night, can alleviate some CM symptoms, however many sufferers find that small doses of alcohol taken at regular intervals can be equally effective.

Unfortunately self-medicating can be dangerous and this year the WHO have issued a warning regarding the dangers of Advocaat abuse and stairs.

As yet there is no effective vaccine against CM, but at least the medical profession has finally accepted the disease as a recognisable illness and not just something that neurotic women of a certain age have been faking for years.

However sensible precautions can be taken against contracting the most serious strains of the bug, for example ‘lowering one’s expectations’ has been proved to raise immunity as can ‘ignoring the stupid thing’. Unfortunately this can only realistically be achieved by months of wearing blinkers and earplugs.

Sadly ladies, your only other possible option to avoid CM entirely is to consider a sex change!

This is because recent research into CM has discovered evidence to suggest the illness is hormone related. Bingo, at last we have the solution, becoming a man in mid life could give you years of guilt-free Xmas’s.

Imagine that, imagine just sitting back in an arm chair and letting it all wash over you, imagine not really giving a toss if the mince pies are home-made or if the custard came out of a tin, imagine not really being able to tell the difference between spam and turkey, as long as its awash with gravy, who cares?

So let’s cut out the CM this year ladies, we can all enjoy it, if we all Christmas like a man.

Have a good one.

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