Tim Vine's Christmas cracker jokes

Fed up with Christmas cracker jokes that make you groan? Well, don’t read on, then! But if you do (and really, who doesn't?) we asked the king of the one-liners Tim Vine what he would put inside crackers, and gave him 15 scraps of paper and a pen. This is what he came up with...

I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point in keeping them?

The turkey challenged me to a fight. He threw down the giblet.

My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.

I’ve got a sponge front door. Hey, don’t knock it.

What has lots of legs and a machine gun? A caterkiller.

I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.

You invented Tipp-Ex. Correct me if I’m wrong.

I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.

I’ve got a horse called Treacle. He’s got golden stirrups.

My mum’s into roll reversal. She puts the ham on the outside.

I refuse to work in a coal mine. It’s beneath me.

I went to a posh party where everyone was drinking and knitting. I got Pimm’s and needles.

I went on a holiday with my horse. It was self-cantering.

I just got a text from heaven. It was a godsend.

I spent the past two weeks sitting on a large, hard book. It was my annual holiday.

Want even more laughs? Try Tim Vine's stocking-filling DVD, Tim Timinee (£6.49 on Amazon) or his CD Punslinger on the Saga Bookshop for £7.99!

What's your favourite one liner? Let us know on web.editor@saga.co.uk

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