Fed up with Christmas cracker jokes that make you groan? Well, don’t read on, then! But if you do (and really, who doesn't?) we asked the king of the one-liners Tim Vine what he would put inside crackers, and gave him 15 scraps of paper and a pen. This is what he came up with...
I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point in keeping them?
The turkey challenged me to a fight. He threw down the giblet.
My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.
I’ve got a sponge front door. Hey, don’t knock it.
What has lots of legs and a machine gun? A caterkiller.
I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.
You invented Tipp-Ex. Correct me if I’m wrong.
I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.
I’ve got a horse called Treacle. He’s got golden stirrups.
My mum’s into roll reversal. She puts the ham on the outside.
I refuse to work in a coal mine. It’s beneath me.
I went to a posh party where everyone was drinking and knitting. I got Pimm’s and needles.
I went on a holiday with my horse. It was self-cantering.
I just got a text from heaven. It was a godsend.
I spent the past two weeks sitting on a large, hard book. It was my annual holiday.
Want even more laughs? Try Tim Vine's stocking-filling DVD, Tim Timinee (£5.99 on Amazon) or his CD Punslinger on the Saga Bookshop for £7.10!
What's your favourite one liner? Let us know on firstname.lastname@example.org
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