TV: Joanna Lumley's Great Cities of the World

Joanna Lumley’s Great Cities of the World, Thursday 17th March, 9pm, ITV

When I was younger, I wanted to be the Prime Minister. I appreciate that this marks me out as a very peculiar child, but all I can say is that I’ve seen sense since then. I honestly can’t think of anything worse. But even now, I’d love to be the PM just for an hour. I’d have an absolute ball.

I love Joanna Lumley. She’s urbane and sophisticated and elegant and funny and charming, and makes for the ideal host of the myriad travel shows she’s made over the last 15 years. In that time, we’ve accompanied her to Egypt, Greece, Russia, the USA, Japan, India, the Silk Road, the Caribbean, Bhutan, the Arctic Circle, and, um, Whitby.

Now, for our delectation, she’s off on her travels again, this time taking in some of the world’s great cities – Paris, Rome and Berlin – for a new three-part series. The idea is that she will steer clear of the tourist traps, instead getting to know the real essence of each city, seeing it as the locals do, starting tonight in Paris. So, first off, she’s going up in a hot air balloon – which, I’ve not doubt, Parisians do all the time.

Her next stop is much more in tune with the locals. She goes for a coffee in a pavement café. She is determined to be mistaken for a local which, let’s face it, is probably easier if you’re not globally famous and quintessentially British. So she enlists the help of a French comedian, Olivier, who gives her tips in passing as a local. She should dress in black and never smile. Also: “When it’s cold, wear a scarf. When it’s hot, wear a scarf.” They like scarves in Paris.

And so to Notre Dame. I know, it’s not exactly off the tourist track – in fact, it’s one of the most visited sites in the world – but she is given special access to the “steel cathedral” inside – the vast network of scaffolding holding the building up following the terrible fire a few years ago. Here, she discusses the massive refurbishment project with the chief architect in faultless French. I can tell you, Ms Lumley is even better in French. Be still my beating coeur.

Up early the next morning, our heroine journeys to the steps of Montmartre, to meet a breakdancing troupe. Sadly, we don’t get to see her spin on her head, but the talent on display is, as the French would say, formidable. She’s much more in her element next up, visiting a chic French vintage clothes shop (that’s posh speak for second hand), where the suits start at 1500 euros. It’s not exactly your High Street Oxfam.

Armed with a new Chanel jacket, she goes to meet Daphne Guinness, a fashion icon who, I have to say, looks absolutely extraordinary. But then, I don’t really understand fashion. The two are dining in a three-Michelin-starred restaurant, and rave about the carrot and spinach ravioli in a broth. I don’t think I understand haute cuisine either, but I’m glad they’re having a jolly time.

Duly fortified, Joanna joins a street demonstration. The French are on strike – knock me down with a feather! She meets a marvellous group of women called the Rosies, who don boiler suits and hair ties, and have a choreographed dance routine as they campaign for women’s rights.

There’s still time for a charming bookshop with a difference, beekeeping Parisienne style, and a meeting with a married French woman who has taken a lover, and compares men to pastries (welcome to France). Finally, Joanna visits the Moulin Rouge, and meets the dancers who are continuing the proud tradition of one of the world’s most famous entertainment venues.

It’s all done with the panache and elegance you’d expect when you combine Joanna Lumley with the world’s most chic city. And it is, of course, magnifique.

France's charms are just waiting to be discovered. Find out more about our French holidays here

Comic Relief, Friday 18th March, 7pm, BBC One

Let’s not kid about here, the world feels a bit grim just now. Events in Ukraine have put the cherry on the top of an utterly hideous couple of years, with freak weather and a rising cost of living adding to the misery of the pandemic. Against this backdrop of gloom, we’ve never needed Comic Relief so much – both its fundraising and the joy and laughter it brings us. No pressure then, gang.

The presenters are the same line-up as last year, with Zoe Ball, Paddy McGuinness, Alesha Dixon and David Tennant joining the irrepressible force of nature that is Sir Lenny Henry, at MediaCity UK in Salford. As ever, the three-hour comedy spectacular will be made up of sketches, live performances, big surprises and stunning musical numbers, all interlaced with the uplifting and occasionally devastating short films detailing the causes the money raised goes to fund.

It has to be said, this year’s show looks like an awful lot of fun. Matt Lucas and David Walliams reprise the Rock Profile sketches that launched their careers, and used to provide me with endless hours of entertainment when I was meant to be working. (I worked at Channel 4 and had a TV on my desk, which was counterproductive to say the least).

This year’s Strictly winner, the utterly luminous Rose Ayling-Ellis, returns with her dance partner Giovanni Pernice, and takes to the dance floor one final time. Expect an awful lot of people to have something in their eye at that point. And Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders pay a visit to Jay Blades in his Repair Shop, which will almost certainly have disastrous results.

Six celebrities will take part in the Comic Opera Challenge, which will involve them training to be opera singers before performing in the studio live on the night. But will they be more Pavarotti or Pasquale? There’s a sprinkling of Hollywood stardust, as Jude Law and Eddie Redmayne surprise a bunch of schoolchildren at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. And Kylie Minogue performs a sketch with the cast of the brilliant sitcom Ghosts.

Stephen Fry is joined by a host of celebrities for a bedtime story that is definitely not aimed at the kids, and there’s a performance of Magic Goes Wrong, and a special Comic Relief edition of QI. Jack Whitehall will take on England footballers Mason Mount and Declan Rice in a game of crazy golf, with a forfeit for the loser. And, of course, there will be nods to some of the extraordinary fundraising efforts that have already taken place, including Tom Daley’s Hell of a Homecoming, which sees him running, cycling, rowing and swimming from London to Plymouth, and Jordan North’s epic canal row from London to Burnley. And we’re promised an appearance by Joanna Lumley which, if I’ve not already made clear, will be a personal highlight for me.

There’s no denying it, money is tight for an awful lot of people at the moment. It goes without saying that nobody should feel dutybound to donate if they are watching the pennies just now. But if you do happen to have a few quid to spare, the need for charity is greater than ever, with millions of families struggling to put food on the table or heat their homes. And Comic Relief have announced that a proportion of the money raised will go towards supporting the people of Ukraine, who are suffering unspeakable horrors that we are watching unfold nightly on the news.

Perhaps most importantly, though, you should just settle back and enjoy a night of supreme silliness on March 18th. And, if your faith in humanity has suffered a bit of a hit lately, think on this: Everyone performing, and all of the crew working, are donating their time for free. The BBC is also donating its studio space and production facilities for free. Things are far from perfect just now, but humanity will pull together, because people are fundamentally decent. And this evening of comic daftness is as eloquent an example of that as you could wish to see. Enjoy.

Informative, in-depth and in the know: get the latest news, interviews and reviews with Saga Magazine.

The best… and the rest:

Sunday 13th March

The British Academy Film Awards, 7pm, BBC One: Rebel Wilson hosts live from the Royal Albert Hall, where Dune tops the lists of nominees, up for awards in 11 categories.

The Misadventures of Romesh Ranganathan 1/3, 9pm, BBC Two: I love this show. The brilliant Romesh Ranganathan travels to far-flung and unusual venues for a holiday, beginning tonight with Sierra Leone. Ranganathan is a superbly acerbic and yet open-minded and charming host.

Jeremy Kyle Show: Death on Daytime 1/2, 9pm, Channel 4: This two-part documentary follows the downfall of the controversial (and extremely distasteful) TV show that was cancelled after a participant, Steve Dymond, took his own life.

Monday 14th March

Holding 1/4, 9pm, ITV: Graham Norton’s smash-hit novel is adapted into a whimsical four-part comedy drama. When human remains turn up in a sleepy Irish village, the local population is thrown into turmoil. Starring Conlieth Hill, Brenda Fricker and Siobhan McSweeney.

Tom Daley’s Hell of a Homecoming, 9pm, BBC One: The diver and all-round national treasure takes on a unique endurance challenge for Comic Relief: Rowing, cycling, swimming and running from the Olympic Park in Stratford to his hometown of Plymouth.

Tuesday 15th March

What If Putin Goes Nuclear? 8pm, Channel 4: Jon Snow examines Putin’s state of mind, and wonders whether the unthinkable might happen.

The Killing of PC Harper: A Widow’s Fight for Justice, 9pm, ITV: Documentary following the investigation into the murder of PC Andrew Harper, and his wife’s campaign to change the law for killing an emergency worker.

Wednesday 16th March

This Is My House 1/10, 8pm, BBC One: The new series of this likeable show, presented by Stacey Dooley, is a Comic Relief special, in which four celebrities attempt to convince a panel of other celebrities that the house in question is their own. Makes more sense than it sounds.

Council House swap, 9pm, Channel 5: Documentary following tenants in social housing as they look to swap properties.

Thursday 17th March

Strangeways Riot: 25 Days of Mayhem, 9pm, Channel 5: A look back at the riot that engulfed Strangeways Prison in 1990, and the dangerous mayhem that ensued in its wake.

Friday 18th March

Grayson’s Art Club, 8pm, Channel 4: The tremendous arts show returns, hosted as ever by Grayson and Philippa Perry, who tonight are joined by Bill Bailey and artist Ai Weiwei.

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