Marianne Talbot When mum lived with me, I was often asked how I felt about her decline. I never knew how to answer because to me it was not her decline that mattered but her cheerfulness.
Mum is the most optimistic, cheerful, open and loving person I know. Unless she is in pain for some reason, being with her enhances life no end (so long as you 'stay in the moment').
I thought about this recently when I read about some new research that suggests our fear of dementia is misplaced. Many people who actually have dementia do not, apparently, experience any decline in their sense of well-being.
If you are lucky enough to be a happy person, in other words, getting dementia won't make you unhappy.
But, continues the research, this depends on your maintaining your social life: to become socially isolated is to invite anxiety and depression.
This chimes completely with my experience. Before mum came to me, she was becoming isolated. She felt too vulnerable to go out and spent a huge amount of time alone. She started to get depressed.
She perked up when she came to live with me. But as she became more dependent I couldn't provide the social interaction she needed. So she started going to Willows, a day-care centre run by the county council.
What a difference! Mum became herself again - outgoing and cheerful, loving and feisty. The lovely staff at the centre had the time, the patience and the expertise to interact with mum and with the others as people. They listened to them, talked to them and made them feel valued. It gave mum a new lease of life.
I think it is very easy for carers to think they know exactly what their piglets need. I was convinced mum would hate day-care. In retrospect I was imposing on mum my own feelings, the feelings of someone without dementia.
Having seen mum coming into her own again by going to day-care I am convinced the research is right - maintain your social skills by going to somewhere like Willows and dementia needn't be the end of your enjoyment in life.
I have seen the same phenomenon in mum's move to her nursing home. Once again mum has been saved from the threat of social isolation. Although 20 years ago she would have detested the thought she'd end up somewhere like this, as she is now, it is just what she needs and she is thriving.
So having dementia can be consistent with living an enjoyable life. What a strange thought!
Now all we need is some way of enabling carers to maintain their social interactions so they too can avoid anxiety and depression!