Emma Soames
But, like so many others stung by the ridiculous cost of food, I have recently adopted Lidl with great enthusiasm. It is the only supermarket where the contents of a trolley costs what you think it should. And its business results reflect this: Lidl’s market share rose by more than 12 per cent over the past three months, while other high street retailers are going fast in the opposite direction. Indeed, I nearly had the place to myself when I last visited M&S.
You can pretty much see why the bill at the Lidl checkout is less than in the marble halls of Waitrose or the echoing atriums of Tesco: those handwritten price labels, the very few and strange brand names – and above all the silence. We’ve largely become oblivious to music in shops so it is genuinely weird to wander around a store in which the only sounds are rather surreal conversations over mobiles, punctuated by the occasional scream from a toddler.
What I really like is the lack of choice: I am always flummoxed by, for instance, the green vegetable section in supermarkets. There is way too much to choose from, which leads to indecision and then frustration as, of course, the one vegetable I need bears so many food miles it’s unbearable. In Lidl it’s broccoli or green beans – take it or leave it – and they are very good as well as being cheap.
If you want an apple pie you will find it, but there is only one sort in one size. It is also a relief to escape the 3-for-2 syndrome, which not only encourages waste, but is the biggest scam since someone sold the Tower of London. Do the stores think we’re stupid?
Perhaps the strangest thing about Lidl is what it sells other than food. The ever-changing displays of tools, clothes, foot spas and kitchen aids in its centre aisles can only be described as mesmerising. These things are positioned to encourage you to buy impulsively – and, of course, spend the money you have saved elsewhere in the store.
I have friends who are longtime Lidl devotees – Lidlrexics I think they are now called. I rang to ask them what they had in their very own centre aisle in their garage.
They rang back with the following list: one pair steel-capped safety boots, as yet unworn, ditto three mosquito nets, two wetsuits, one folding golf trolley (they gave up golf years ago) and a truly ridiculous array of screwdrivers and unopened toolkits. All had been bought on the “You Just Never Know” principle, combined with the irresistible lure of a bargain. Mr Lidlrexic even later confessed to another centre-aisle sin – a gel-filled bicycle seat and he doesn’t even own a bicycle. The hunter-gatherer instinct unleashed at Lidl is awesome to behold.
In an age where many wonder how to pay for food and keep themselves warm, fussing over the imagery on the roadsigns used to warn drivers about elderly people crossing seems the least of our worries. Age Concern recently complained that these signs patronise and misrepresent old people – which they certainly do. In a country which has a ridiculous number of road signs blighting the landscape, why not just abolish the sign? In many decades of driving, I have never ever seen an old or frail person anywhere near one of them. The very people they are supposed to protect cannot like the sign. The old don’t want to be pitied – respected, loved and cared-for, yes – but pitied, no. Let’s spare ourselves this final and unnecessary humiliation.
Meanwhile, blonde WAG Alex Curran has launched her own fragrance, taking celebrity culture to a new place – a low one in my view. The fragrance, Alex, costs £19.95 for 100ml and has been produced in association with OK! magazine. Who is Alex Curran other than the wife of a footballer? What are celebrity magazines doing launching scents? Will it end up in Lidl?
At the launch, the newly-married Mrs Steven Gerrard was asked what she had done with the £800,000 she was paid by OK! for her wedding pictures. She thought the money was in the bank but wasn’t quite sure. However, she chose the occasion to share fashion and beauty tips with a riveted world. The most original concerned her Zagliani crocodile handbags: they are injected with Botox to keep them soft. I’m sure you will be as grateful as I am for this handy tip.
This article was first published in the October 2008 edition of Saga Magazine.