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I met my husband through having an affair, which was very exciting at the time – I had no regrets as we were both miserable in our respective marriages and eventually we both left our partners and set up together. We have had a long and wonderful marriage ourselves now, for 16 years, but I am concerned that his eye has begun to wander elsewhere.
I know he is capable of infidelity because he did so with me, and we have both grown older, which as we all know is worse for a woman than a man – sorry but it’s true.
Now I am growing obsessed that he may be having an affair with someone else. Should I confront him?
Affairs are invariably exciting. Their newness, novelty, secrecy, clandestine meetings, all go to make the relationship more exciting, more glamorous than normal.
But affairs are not real life. They don’t take account of domesticity, the family, and the daily juggling of priorities outside this special relationship. Aspiring to the heights of an affair or using it as a yardstick is dangerous. Normal life is on a much lower plane.
Sixteen years on, you are different and so is your husband. It would be wrong to think of him as the man who, 16 years ago, had an affair with you, as the man you believe could be having an affair now. He’s not the same man. He’s moved on. Given your description of having a very happy marriage for those 16 years, he may no longer be the kind of man who would contemplate an affair.
It seems unfair to say because he had an affair all that time ago he’s ready for another one now. I think you’re a different a woman too from the one who had the affair 16 years ago. Your letter saying "…and we have both grown older, which as we all know is worse for a woman than a man..." suggests you have some insecurities about getting older. Maybe you’ve put on a bit of weight which you think makes you look less attractive or you may be conscious of wrinkles appearing on your face.
Please don’t become obsessed with ideas of an affair because it’ll seriously intrude in your relationship. You won’t be able to cover up your suspicions and you may sour your relationship with your husband.
Yes, I think you should talk to him but to my mind, the last thing you should do is confront him. You have no direct evidence he’s having an affair and opening up such a very difficult and delicate subject could seriously damage your relationship, not just for now but for the future as well.
Instead I suggest you make yourself vulnerable by saying you no longer think you’re as attractive as you were when you had the affair and you’re seeking some kind of reassurance. Gathering this kind of information is constructive. Confronting your husband is destructive. You may find you get the reassurance you need and your life is infinitely richer than it was before.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk marked ‘Ask Dr Miriam’. All emails will be treated in confidence.
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