Am I being disloyal for being in touch with my old flame?
Dr Miriam Stoppard counsels a reader to think hard before trying to rekindle an old university romance.
Dr Miriam Stoppard counsels a reader to think hard before trying to rekindle an old university romance.
Last summer, I went to a university reunion where I met a woman with whom I’d had a brief but intense relationship in my first year. The attraction was instantly rekindled but we are both married.
We haven’t followed each other on social media as it’s too public, and I think my wife would notice and comment, but I see activity from her on the group chat about the reunion, which has become quite lively.
I find myself thinking about her all the time, and recently messaged her directly, just to ask how she is. I can tell she feels the same and I’m fighting the urge to ask if she wants to meet up.
I thought I was happily married – my wife and I have been together for 20 years and have three children – but I’m becoming obsessed and I realise I'm already being disloyal. How bad is what I’ve done? And should I come clean with my wife?
You’re in a bit of a pickle, aren’t you? You’ve allowed yourself to enter into a world that’s governed by nostalgia and obsession, and that isn’t a good place to be. Your heightened emotions are concentrating on an unreal dream world to the exclusion of your wife and children. But THEY are the real world.
Nostalgia is a very dangerous feeling because it fools you into thinking you could recreate your passionate student affair. You’re behaving like that young student in the throes of his first romance.
The truth is, that’s impossible because you have a wife and family. You’re not that free agent; you have responsibilities now, and you must take them seriously. I feel like saying, “Grow up. Start behaving like an adult, a husband and a father.”
I’d be prepared to be kinder if you had more to go on than your imagination. But you haven’t and, given that the object of your crush is married, she might not want to join in your conspiracy.
I think you have to clear your head because, while you’re so obsessed, you can’t think straight. You can’t take account of your family and your responsibility to them. And that, surely, is your primary concern.
Are you really prepared to throw away a marriage of 20 years and risk losing your three children? I don’t think so. And if you were thinking straight, you’d agree with me. Take a deep breath, and put this obsession on the back burner for the next 24 hours. Start to think rationally about the repercussions of pursuing this fantasy relationship.
Taking a cool-headed look at your life could give you a fresh perspective. I suggest you make a list of what you have now, how fulfilled your life is, how precious your family is, and how you love your wife. The other side of the ledger is what would happen to all of that were you to pursue what, at the moment, is only a shadowy possibility.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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