We kissed but there was no chemistry. Should I be worried?
Dr Miriam Stoppard tells a woman whose new relationship lacks physical fire to allow time for the spark to build up into a blaze.
Dr Miriam Stoppard tells a woman whose new relationship lacks physical fire to allow time for the spark to build up into a blaze.
I'm in my late 50s, and have been single and quite lonely since my divorce ten years ago, with only a few unsuccessful forays into the world of online dating. I have now met a man who I really like, who asked me out after a dinner party hosted by mutual friends – they were obviously setting us up.
The trouble is that, having been out several times, we finally kissed – and there was no chemistry. I really like him but I'm not sure if we should just be friends.
I despair of meeting anyone else, but I don’t know if we should progress this if it’s going to end in disaster.
Why should this relationship end in disaster? It’s only just begun. Give it a chance. I think your expectations are much too pessimistic. And I’m wondering what your pessimism stems from. Maybe, because you’ve been alone and lonely for so long, you’re expecting something exciting, amorous and romantic.
You have your heart clearly set on a sexual relationship, but if you stick with that, it means you close down many other options; options that would relieve you of your loneliness and offer you friendship.
There are lots of aspects to friendship that are really enriching, and some people would argue that friendship frees you from the tensions and anxieties that accompany many sexual relationships. I’m not sure it’s realistic to go into any new relationship expecting sexual harmony and long-term commitment. Or that you’ll feel a burning sexual desire. This would be quite rare. Those fires also have a habit of burning themselves out. And they put enormous pressure on the relationship because your expectations are pitched too high.
One of my favourite definitions of unhappiness is the gap between expectations and reality. They’re hardly ever the same, and the further they are apart, the unhappier you are. The answer is to scale back your expectations.
I know you’ve been pining for a new relationship, probably sexual, for the last 10 years, so your needs are to the fore. I don’t think this is fair on your new friend, because as yet you haven’t explored what he wants or what you could work out together. Why shouldn’t this be a simple friendship, or at least start with a simple friendship?
If you can, set aside your desire for a sexual relationship and enjoy what you have. You can get to know this man better, explore your mutual interests and build on the fact that you really like him. Many long-term relationships start out with friendship that is lasting, as you can find that, over time, you grow together, the relationship flowers, and at some point, when you’re very close, things becomes sexual.
My advice would be to take your time, and also to take it easy. Being overly keen isn’t much of a turn-on. Why not try relaxing and being your natural, normal self. Being free of pressure makes you a much more interesting and desirable companion.
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