I'm jealous of my friend's romantic husband
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a wife to make an effort herself to bring romance back into her relationship.
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a wife to make an effort herself to bring romance back into her relationship.
Q: I would love my husband to introduce some romance into our relationship. We’ve been married forever and long ago settled into a routine that has been cosy and comfortable but has lost its spark. The trouble is that if I try to suggest any romantic activity, he gets defensive and thinks I'm being critical.
I could arrange a weekend away for us but, then again, where’s the romance in that? It’s him who should surprise me, isn’t it? It’s starting to annoy me, and the things I used to enjoy I now find stifling.
My best friend’s husband booked them on a river cruise for Valentine’s Day and I’m so jealous – I’d give anything for that sort of attention from my partner.
I find your reaction interesting. In fact, when I first read it, I started to smile. Why? Well, your expectations are so one-sided. You express a profound sense of entitlement that isn’t attractive in anyone. In fact, I think you’re acting like a spoiled child and, in doing so, you’re becoming a wife who isn’t very nice to know.
Sadly there are many husbands who take their wives for granted and ignore the romantic side of marriage. That doesn’t make it right.
So, how could you bring out his romantic side? Well, the first thing you have to do is examine yourself. Instead of feeling badly done by, you could start by asking yourself a few questions. Do you always give him a birthday card and present? Do you do the same at Christmas? Do you plan candle-lit dinners with a good bottle of wine? Do you dress up for your husband? Do you have friendly chats with him?
If your answer to any of these questions is “No” then I think you need to re-examine which parts of your relationship are falling short of your expectations because one thing is for sure – you should be instrumental in repairing the boredom you’re feeling with your husband.
I think the answer lies with you. In very small ways, and in some rather bigger ways, you could be more romantic with him rather than being grumpy.
A very simple expedient, for instance, would be to change your hairstyle, your make-up and the way you dress, be brighter and more communicative over meals, and see what the reaction is. You could be surprised.
Then there are more substantial changes you could make, like saying there’s a film you’d like to see and asking if he'd like to come with you.
You could also suggest an out-of-town weekend, and if he turns you down, say: “Well, I think I’m going to go with my girlfriends.” So, you’re making a peace offer, but you’re also showing you’re still independent.
[Hero image credit: Alun Callender]
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