My husband keeps calling me bossy
Dr Miriam Stoppard believes honest communication is the only way forward for a wife looking to end her husband’s ungrateful ways.
Dr Miriam Stoppard believes honest communication is the only way forward for a wife looking to end her husband’s ungrateful ways.
My husband has gotten into the habit of calling me bossy which is really causing problems for me. He leaves every little thing that needs doing to me, from buying a new kettle to getting the car serviced.
As a result I know everything about the household and he knows nothing (he revealed the other day that he doesn’t even know how the hoover works). Because of this when he asks me for information, or I have to give it, I am seen as bossy.
I find the whole set-up extraordinarily sexist and, to be honest, a massive turn-off. His mother didn’t work but ran the household. I have a demanding - though part time - job but I am very far from equal in the domestic stake.
What can I do to address this? When I complain about being called bossy, he calls me a nag. It would almost be funny if it wasn’t so unfair, uncalled for and frankly ungrateful.
I think your husband calls you bossy because he feels insecure and lacks confidence. He possibly fears he’s unimportant, not worthwhile, and he may be depressed.
This feeling of having missed the boat is quite common in middle-aged men. They look back and realise they haven’t achieved much. To compensate they seek their lost youth by wearing fashions too young for them, deciding to buy a sports car when they haven’t driven in years, or chasing a younger woman to prove they’re still attractive to the opposite sex.
Alternatively, they may opt out of life like your husband and withdraw from their partner and domesticity. You say in your letter his behaviour is a massive turn-off and I’m not surprised. There’s fascinating research involving women who’ve fallen out of love with their partners. It cites not helping with the chores and childcare as the prime causes of a woman losing her loving feeling for her man.
Add to that the fact that you’re working, have a good job and you’re a good earner. Your relationship is totally unbalanced and quite unequal. Consequently, you have two things to put right – his non-existent contribution to chores and kitchen duty, and then there’s work to be done on your relationship.
Honestly, you won’t be able to move forward unless you talk. You could start by talking through the unfairness of the situation as it exists and how all responsibility rests on your shoulders. As a grown man, he must see that this is correct and grossly unfair.
Tell him it’s quite a turn-off that he doesn’t help around the house and he might be surprised at the results if he made an effort to help more. If your husband doesn’t respond to your overtures, I think he’s behaving like a child and hasn’t grown up sufficiently to take any responsibility for your marriage.
You may have to face the reality this is the end of the line for your relationship if he’s unwilling to see your point of view.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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