I have started spying on my wife and I can’t seem to stop
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a suspicious husband on the best way to put his worries to rest.
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a suspicious husband on the best way to put his worries to rest.
I am incredibly ashamed to admit this, but I have started spying on my wife and it has become a terrible habit that I don’t seem to be able to give up. It began when I glanced at her phone and a message from a male colleague flashed up which seemed a bit over-friendly. She brushed it off and said it was nothing but I could tell she was embarrassed which made me think there was something to hide.
Since then whenever she’s at work – she works three days a week in the office while I work full-time from home – I have snooped around her drawers looking for incriminating evidence. I haven’t managed to find anything apart from some pictures with old boyfriends which have also made me very jealous. These days when she comes back she seems moody – perhaps she can tell?
I want to stop this awful habit but I can’t and I don’t dare to confess to her because she may be angry or worse may confirm that I am right and she has feelings elsewhere.
Have you ever thought that so far, you haven’t found any evidence your wife is cheating on you because there isn’t anything to find? I think maybe you’re in a state of mind where all you can feel is suspicious, even paranoid.
What you describe isn’t that uncommon. People give way to their suspicions and become sleuths, turning over everything in the house trying to find evidence of infidelity. A person who’s secure in a relationship doesn’t do this. Your kind of snooping usually only happens when someone is insecure and that insecurity is feeding their behaviour. I don’t think you’ll break your habit until you’re feeling more secure.
So my first question is why are you feeling so insecure about yourself, your relationship, and your wife? Has something happened to knock your confidence for six? Was there a situation at work where you feel you were passed over for promotion? Do you consider yourself no longer attractive? Possibly, you’ve put on a lot of weight and when you look in the mirror you know you don’t look like the man your wife married.
I think your confidence could be bruised, so look at all aspects of your life to see if there’s a reason why you’re now feeling under par. It’s important to get to the root of your lack of confidence because you won’t be able to “kick your habit” of snooping as it feeds into your feelings of inadequacy.
How could you get back to the way things were? Well, you could remember your old confident self and, if you possibly can, try behaving in that way. I’m sure you’ll get a positive response from your wife.
I have no doubt that she’ll welcome this change in you and even start to be more affectionate, open and loving. You’ll also feel quite different, proud of the way you’ve overcome your paranoia, but also enlivened your marriage.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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