Why losing a pet hurts so much – and how to cope
The death of a pet feels can feel like losing a family member. Bereavement experts explain the grief can be so overwhelming – and what may help.
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The death of a pet feels can feel like losing a family member. Bereavement experts explain the grief can be so overwhelming – and what may help.
Losing a pet can be devastating. In a study by Maynooth University in Ireland this year, one in five people who had lost both a beloved pet and a person said the pet’s death was their most distressing bereavement.
“Looking from the outside in, it can be hard to describe the connection that we feel with our pets,” says psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer. “They can represent warmth, predictability, routine and a sense of being truly accepted and loved.”
“A support network is so important,” says Dawn Murray, pet bereavement specialist and founder of the Association of Pet Bereavement Counsellors. An RSPCA survey last year found that more than half of bereaved owners experienced loneliness, while a similar number felt they had to hide their grief.
Support may come from an unexpected colleague or the neighbour who used to spot your cat in their garden, says Dawn.
“If you’re isolated and stuck with your own thoughts, that can lead to prolonged grief,” she says. “You can feel frozen in time because there’s no outlet for your sadness.” If you feel uncomfortable talking directly about your feelings, talk about your pet.”
“Guilt is probably the most common emotion after losing a companion animal,” says Dawn. The RSPCA found that 60% of bereaved owners experienced it.
Guilt can fasten on to the timing of having your pet put to sleep. “Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty,” says Dawn.
If you fear you acted too soon, reframe the decision around suffering. “The moment an animal starts to suffer, that’s the time to let it go,” she says. If you think you waited too long, return to what you knew then. “Remember you were acting on the information and the best advice you had at the time,” she says. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Losing a pet can mean a loss of routine, especially when it comes to feeding time and walks,” says Georgina.
The RSPCA found that nearly three quarters of bereaved owners lost their sense of routine or purpose, while more than a third experienced appetite changes.
Keep the parts of your daily routine that are helpful and create new ones where the gaps feel most obvious. “If you find eating at a certain time difficult because you’d feed your pet then, you could eat little and often during the day instead,” suggests Dawn. If the house is painfully quiet, Georgina suggests keeping the radio on.
If another pet is grieving, Blue Cross recommends keeping their routine as consistent as possible and checking that they are eating, drinking and going to the toilet normally.
“Your home will feel full of memories,” says Georgina. “You might still have your pet’s toys, their food and the remnants of their fur on the sofa. Allow yourself to follow your instincts.”
Keep their collar or blanket if it’s comforting. Leave the bed where it is if moving it feels too final. Animal shelters may welcome surplus food or equipment when you’re ready.
“Some people find it cathartic to write the story of their pet’s life,” says Dawn.
Record the day you met, routines, nicknames, odd dislikes and funniest moments. You could add photographs, too.
“Committing the story to paper means it won’t be forgotten,” says Dawn. “You could share it with other people or keep it personal to you. If you become upset, just close the book and go back to it when you want to.”
“Modern understanding of grief suggests the importance of having a continuing bond with a lost loved one,” says Georgina. “Pets are no different.”
Frame a photograph, light a candle, plant something or choose a memorial place, perhaps a favourite bench or the sunny spot where your cat slept. You could also look into burying your pet at a pet cemetery.
“Some people like to walk the route they used to take with their dog and leave a bowl of water out for other dogs along the way with a note saying, ‘Please have a drink in memory of my dog or cat,’” says Dawn. “One of my clients used to put out a box of tennis balls.”
The RSPCA found that two-thirds of bereaved pet owners had trouble sleeping.
“If you’re not eating and sleeping, grief will be much harder to deal with,” says Dawn.
“If you’re scrolling through photographs until 3am, it might be a good idea to put the phone down. I’d also encourage everyone to get out in the fresh air during the day.”
If going on your regular dog walk feels too hard, choose a different path and perhaps go with a neighbour.
“Grieving 24/7 is draining, physically and mentally,” says Dawn. “It can help to hold on to any snippets of happiness.”
Read, have a bath, watch something familiar or meet a friend. “Don’t feel guilty about having moments where you’re not totally consumed with your grief,” says Dawn.
On difficult days, getting out of bed, eating breakfast and making one call may be enough.
“Some people enjoy giving back,” says Dawn. You could donate to the rescue centre where you got your pet or volunteer locally.
“For some people, the mention of volunteering is too much,” says Dawn. “They say, ‘I don’t want to be surrounded by other animals just yet.’ Others say, ‘I might come home with them all.’” Volunteering can give you a sense of purpose.
The RSPCA found that more than half of bereaved owners couldn’t find the support they needed and more than a quarter didn’t know where to turn.
Blue Cross provides free, confidential Pet Loss Support, while Cats Protection’s Paws to Listen service offers trained volunteer listeners. The Association of Pet Bereavement Counsellors has a specialist directory.
If your low mood has lasted more than two weeks and self-help isn’t working, speak to your GP. Call 111 if you need urgent help. Call 999 or go to A&E in an emergency.
“Everyone experiences grief and loss differently, and our feelings around this are often linked with other, earlier experiences that we’ve had in relation to loss,” says Georgina. “Your experience of grief might not be linear. More likely, it will ebb and flow.”
“Be patient with the process and yourself,” says Dawn. “Everything will slowly fit back into line, as long as you don’t try to speed your grief along. If you can, focus on how your pet lived, not how they died. They’re irreplaceable.”
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