My husband has been having an affair with a younger woman
Anne Robinson on the vital questions a woman needs to ask after learning her husband has been cheating on her for years.
Anne Robinson on the vital questions a woman needs to ask after learning her husband has been cheating on her for years.
It’s almost three years since I found out that my husband of 53 years had been having an affair with a woman 13¹⁄₂ years his junior. He is 76, I am 71. I have seen letters, notes, birthday cards to her all in his handwriting, including Valentine cards (which I have never been given in our entire marriage). He was obviously deeply in love with her and she with him.
He managed to conceal their relationship as I was working full-time, and it was only when I retired that it was exposed. He left me for her for two months and I went through hell. I blackmailed him to come back to me.
We are now together and have moved house. But I can’t get the thought out of my head how he genuinely loved her. I am now thinking maybe I should have let him go. What are your thoughts please?
You sound impressively unselfish in your letter, but might we reel back a little? Three years ago, after more than 50 years of marriage, you discovered your husband was having an affair. What a terrible shock for you to hear this. Not only was the woman much younger than either of you but it became clear he treated her very differently to how he had ever treated you. Sending her Valentine cards being one example. Even worse, for two months he left to live with her, and you went through hell. You say you then blackmailed him to come back.
Well, first off, I wonder quite what blackmail exactly was involved to persuade him to give your marriage another go? I am going to assume that, at the time, you thought any subterfuge was worth it.
So, next question: do you still feel the same? Perhaps not. Either way, three years later and having moved house, you are now wondering, if he truly loves this woman, shouldn’t he be with her?
Why not instead ask yourself: how satisfactory is your relationship with your husband? Do you feel all the unhappiness was worth it? Or does it feel as if he is with you reluctantly? If so, would you be ready to face life without him? Living alone, I don’t believe is an ideal state. Rather it is one that women adapt to – either because their marriage is too unsatisfactory to continue or because they have no choice.
Having examined your own feelings, you need next to put some questions to your husband. How does he feel about the state of your marriage? Is he still in love with the other woman? Would he prefer to be with her? And just as importantly, would you want to remain married to a man who wishes he was elsewhere?
I suggest that until you have established how you both feel, it is impossible to make a decision about the future.
(Hero image credit: Emanuel Wiemans)
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