Can I still leave my husband after his shock diagnosis?
Dr Miriam Stoppard suggests a path that an unhappy wife can follow to find a new life for herself without abandoning her sick husband.
Dr Miriam Stoppard suggests a path that an unhappy wife can follow to find a new life for herself without abandoning her sick husband.
I'm in a terrible dilemma. I began to be very unhappy in my marriage at least a decade ago – we got married young and have grown apart, with completely different interests. Plus, my husband is bossy and controlling, and seems to thwart everything I try to do.
He persuaded me that we should stay together until our three children had left home, and, because I felt guilty, I agreed. The youngest has finally gone and, with my 60th birthday on the horizon, I was looking forward to a relatively amicable divorce and a chance for a new life. However, my husband has now been diagnosed with prostate cancer and it’s unclear if the treatment will be successful.
I feel sorry for him but I don’t know what to do. Do I have to postpone my wishes yet again? If I go ahead and divorce him, my children – who don’t know anything of our previous plans – will think me heartless, as will our friends and no doubt the rest of society. I'm so torn.
I think you’ve paid your dues to your husband, a man you haven’t loved for 10 years. And you’ve proved yourself to be a dutiful wife and mother by keeping the marriage going until your children were up and running. Personally, I think that’s quite a price to pay.
So, no, I don’t think you have to postpone your wish yet again to have an independent life and, hopefully, find a new love.
That’s not to say I’m recommending you desert your husband now that he’s been diagnosed with prostate cancer. But even if his cancer proves to be an aggressive one, or in an advanced stage, I still think that having given so much of yourself to your family, you have the right, at the age of 60, to some life on your own.
You may be pulled by the strings of loyalty, but it’s ME time. You’ve done your duty, and now I feel that you should reap some rewards of your selflessness.
I’m not suggesting you should leave your husband high and dry. No, what I’m going to suggest is a new working relationship of your marriage. Could you not have some independence to follow your own star? Think about it. Strike out for a new life with more freedom – in fact, a kind of new marriage – then plan how you’ll approach your husband.
I understand how you think your children will react to leaving your husband. I think you’re right. But I’m not suggesting that. I’m suggesting a new arrangement.
This won’t be an easy conversation, so plan it carefully and begin with the reassurance that you’re going to stay with your husband and see him through his cancer diagnosis.
However, you’d like to be given more freedom to pursue your life outside of the marriage – and yes, possibly meet new people with whom you might form a new relationship. It’s an offer few people, including your husband, could refuse.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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