My wife and I can’t agree on how to spend our retirement
Dr Miriam Stoppard offers some wise words for a couple rowing about exactly what retirement should involve.
Dr Miriam Stoppard offers some wise words for a couple rowing about exactly what retirement should involve.
After looking forward to it for many years, during which we worked in various demanding jobs, my wife and I both recently retired. However, while she is keen to go haring off around the world, join all sorts of clubs and see friends what seems like every night, I would just like a bit of a rest.
Our lack of alignment is becoming a real problem for us and causing rows. I’m not sure how to get her to see things from my point of view – she can be very stubborn.
Oh, I have great sympathy for your wife. I recognise exactly how she feels, and indeed how many women feel when freedom beckons. It may be the first time your wife has felt that she has space to explore her deep desires. And, dare I say it, no good will come to a man who tries to stop her.
That’s not to say you give her carte blanche and stay at home on your own. I honestly wouldn’t resort to rows – that’s going to get you nowhere and it might damage your relationship permanently.
Far better to take a friendly, loving and sympathetic approach. For once, she’s taking life at a tilt and sees her retirement as an opportunity to grow, to remain engaged with life and to widen her horizons. Who wouldn’t want her to do that, with your company or not?
You say she’s being stubborn, but you’re being stubborn too. There should be give and take on both sides. After such a successful marriage, can you both not sit down and talk to each other about how you see the future? It’s fair enough that you want to have a quiet life, but it doesn’t give you the right to say your wife should have a quiet one too.
You could, for instance, take up a hobby, look up old friends, and start reading books you’ve always wanted to. You say, “Lack of alignment is becoming a real problem for us and causing rows,” but it needn’t. Not if you are both understanding with each other, encourage each other to follow their chosen path and be accommodating of the other’s needs.
Have you got children or grandchildren? You could decide that you’re going to visit them all and spend some time with members of your family you haven’t seen for ages. If you have family abroad, such as Australia, you could take a trip to visit them, and your wife would probably love to accompany you. I’m sure she has no desire to leave you bereft, and would love it if you could suggest doing something you both really enjoy together.
You could say to her, “Look, I’m very happy for you to pursue your own interests, but could we arrange three or four things we do together so that we enjoy each other’s company to the full now that we’re retired?” You might be pleasantly surprised at her answer.
(Hero image credit: Alun Callender)
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