“I didn’t agree to my mother-in-law coming to live with us”
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a husband on how to discuss his reservations about taking care of his wife’s mother.
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a husband on how to discuss his reservations about taking care of his wife’s mother.
My wife and I are in our 60s and happily married. However, my mother-in-law, in her 80s, has recently come to live with us. She is in the early stages of dementia but otherwise strong for her age – in other words, she could last for years.
My wife says we both agreed it was for the best, because of the cost of care home fees, among other things. I don’t remember it that way, though, and feel completely railroaded. This should be the best time of our lives but, instead, she’s at her mother’s beck and call, and we have no time for each other at all.
I feel really despairing about carrying on life like this until her mother dies, by which time I will probably have dementia too. And to make matters worse, I can’t be honest with my wife about it because it makes me sound so mean.
Ah, mother-in-law problems, the perennial cause of family friction. First of all, I think you’re being wonderful, having your mother-in-law in your home and helping to take care of her. I’m not surprised you feel “railroaded” into this rather difficult situation, though. You’re right, this should be the best time of your lives and you should be free to plan ahead. But your wife is a more dutiful daughter than you bargained for.
Many women feel indebted to their mothers and want to make sure that their later years are as comfortable as possible. It must be very frustrating, however, to feel you have no time for each other, and your future looks bleak.
But things aren’t cast in tablets of stone. They can change, especially if you take matters in hand. If your wife isn’t fully aware of how resentful you’re feeling, I suggest you have a sympathetic conversation, starting off by saying you greatly admire her for making sacrifices to look after her mother so well.
You could then broach the subject of how your life has changed since her mother came to live with you. And it would be fair to ask your wife how she sees the future.
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If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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