“My husband is addicted to his phone and I feel rejected”
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a woman who feels ignored by her husband's endless scrolling.
Alun Callender
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a woman who feels ignored by her husband's endless scrolling.
I am at my wits’ end with my husband. We’re happily married and have been so for 25 years but since the summer of sport I feel that the only part of him I have seen is the top of his head as he endlessly scrolls through his phone.
It started with the World Cup which was, I suppose, fair enough, but now I feel it’s morphed into a general addiction. I will be halfway through a sentence and I can see his eyes and hands twitching for his phone.
I don’t think he’s having an affair or anything, because he’s not in the least secretive about it, it’s just an obsession. I have tried bringing it up but he just says I’m being unreasonable and he just wants to have a read of whatever it is – but it will never run out, he can carry on scrolling forever.
What can I do to help him understand that it seems rude and I feel rejected by it?
You wouldn’t be the first wife who complains about her husband being absent because of his sporting interests. Indeed there’s a phrase for this. A wife left alone is called a “golf widow’ because her husband plays so much golf that she’s regularly left to twiddle her thumbs.
I do agree with you. The World Cup footie became an obsession with many men. I was quite obsessed myself. I know from my sons, who are football fans and follow their team every week, not just in terms of goals scored, and which footballers scored the goals. No, it goes much further than that. There are many football fan clubs who broadcast their discussions on the internet, everything from bad referee decisions to whether a tackle was really a foul. A devotee of football can eavesdrop at any time of day.
I think it’s unlikely that your husband is addicted to simple doom scrolling. He’s probably just found that he likes football more than he thought. And I agree with you it is rude and I understand why you feel rejected. Has his scrolling stopped you talking to each other and doing things together? If it has you must say something because it could really affect your relationship.
You could “lose” his phone and he’d have to go cold turkey. That might give you the intro to discussing how your relationship is deteriorating and you feel ignored. But that would be naughty. What you could do is talk to one of his mates, or a member of the family who’s footie mad and ask for their advice.
I’m afraid your husband is much more likely to listen to one of his like-minded friends than to you. Ask this person to explain you’re feeling alone and rejected. And then if you’re very brave you might suggest the three of you go to the pub and the friend brings up the topic so that your husband hears a man’s point of view. It could work.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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