I am in my early-50s and, after a lifetime of being single or having short, failed relationships, I have met a wonderful man who is my age, shares all my interests and works in the same industry as me. We have been together for two years and have moved in with each other.
However, he is divorced and never wants to marry again, while I would love to get married.
I’m so upset about this and I don’t know what to do.
I have a question for you. Would you rather your “wonderful man” was in your life, or not? I’m asking you this question because, in answering it, you’ll find out what your highest priority is. And, if I read your letter correctly, I don’t think it will be marriage.
Just try imagining your life without this man. How does it look? Pretty empty, I would think. You may even find yourself saying, “I would do anything or forgo anything to have this man in my life.”
If this is the case, you could well decide it’s not worth being so upset. You’ll know what to do, even though it may be a difficult step for you to take.
If you really want this man in your life, a whole lot of other things will fall into place. One of them will be that the need for marriage looms less large in your life. That may be a difficult compromise to make, but you’ll have to make it if you want him to stay with you.
To me, this relationship looks like a runner, and worth making some effort to accommodate his not wanting to get married and your wanting to tie the knot. If he’s essential to your happiness, there are a few changes that you’re going to have to make to yourself.
First of all, I think it’s unwise to let your being upset show. The reason I say this is that it’s not much fun living with someone who’s upset and glum most of the time.
Secondly, it takes such a great emotional toll on you and you could find the relationship begins to founder. In fact, I would suggest you do the opposite. Try to forget that you’re upset. If necessary, 'act' as though you’re not upset. A little bit of theatre can be very calming and put you in control.
I’m not saying that your longing should be completely suppressed but, in all honesty, a man isn’t going to feel he wants to stay with a woman who doesn’t make life pleasant. If you can, I think you should try to be the best version of yourself, which is lurking there underneath your being upset.
If you’re someone who’s nice to know, nice to be with and nice to share things with, then your partner may decide you’re the person he really wants to be with for the rest of his life. Importantly, you’ll like yourself, and he may even decide he’d like to settle down with you after all.
(Hero image credit: Image credit: Alun Callender)
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk marked ‘Ask Dr Miriam’. All emails are treated in confidence.
Our online matching service brings you closer to like-minded people on a site you can trust. Create your free profile today
Including exclusive savings for Saga Magazine subscribers, and a special discount of up to 10% when you book two or more cruises back-to-back.
The power of age gap friendships - we share the benefits and how to make them.
You've found someone new and now you want to take it further, but your grown up children don't approve. Expert tips on how to handle this difficult situation.
.jpg?la=en&h=576&w=823&hash=4516D8557DC47B1E21444166FFB91605)
