Is my new girlfriend more interested in my house than me?
Dr Miriam Stoppard on how to tell if your partner loves you or your money.
Image credit: Alun Callender
Dr Miriam Stoppard on how to tell if your partner loves you or your money.
I’m divorced and have recently met someone I really like but I’m considerably better off than her.
She has expensive tastes and has already suggested moving in (she rents while I own my own home). Although I would quite like that in principle, I’m worried that she’s interested in me for security as much as affection.
I may be being paranoid but I was quite badly affected by how nasty things got with my ex-wife. How can I broach this with her?
You describe your new girlfriend almost like a gold digger. Is that what you suspect her to be? That’s really quite ungenerous to a woman who you believe is after security in a relationship. Of course she’s after security. Most women are. And why is that unusual or offensive?
If you baulk at providing security in your relationship I would say you’re not really in love with her. Most men have a strong desire to take care of and look after their partner, a partner whom they love. It’s really not such a bad feeling to be needed.
You mention that your relationship with your ex-wife became very nasty and in this context I presume it was over money. But it’s surely not fair, at this point, to tar your new girlfriend with the same brush as your wife. To do so, I agree, is paranoid. It would be wrong to let a negative experience in one situation colour a new one in a different situation. In this instance, I think comparisons are odious.
Yes, you feel you have a lot to offer to someone who rents her property, whereas you are a property owner. That’s as may be, but these aren’t the relative values you can build a firm foundation on for a loving relationship. You say she has expensive tastes. Has she ever asked you to indulge them? For example, on expensive presents, on exotic holidays, on designer clothes and handbags?
I think you owe her a more positive point of view and who knows, if you managed to overcome your paranoid tendencies you might discover the love of your life.
I realise that her moving in with you is a delicate subject to raise with your girlfriend and I wouldn’t suggest any kind of direct approach. What might work better is for you to suggest that, yes, she does move in with you and, as with most couples embarking on what is a social experiment, you couch your proposal in terms such as “Shall we give it a go and see how it turns out?”. It is a generous offer and your girlfriend will see it as that.
You will have the opportunity to see if your worst fears are realised or if your estimation of your girlfriend has been entirely wrong. It could turn out that you get on like a house on fire and decide that this relationship is for life, and your initial judgements were way off the mark.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk marked ‘Ask Dr Miriam’. All emails are treated in confidence.
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