I just long to be cherished – have I married the wrong person?
Dr Miriam Stoppard reassures a husband that there’s still hope for intimacy with his wife, no matter what their age.
Dr Miriam Stoppard reassures a husband that there’s still hope for intimacy with his wife, no matter what their age.
My wife and I are advancing in years and she made it clear some time ago that the sexual side of our life is over. I reluctantly accepted this but continued to hold hands and go in for hugs and so on.
However she has made it clear that she finds this irritating. I feel like I am being constantly criticised and I just long to be cherished.
Sometimes it makes me wonder if I married the wrong person. How can I broach this with her?
It’s not uncommon for women of your wife’s age to withdraw from sex. Some women feel that not only is there no place for sex, but affection, kisses and cuddles are also out. It may reflect taboos and myths that our sexuality just dies away (it doesn’t) and we all have to face up to a later life that’s bereft of intimacy.
I couldn’t disagree more with this attitude to getting older (see my new book, Sex, Drugs and Walking Sticks). We humans are affectionate beings. We long for intimacy, and that doesn’t disappear just because you’re 60, 70 or 80. We long for intimacy until we die. We’re also sexual beings and our sexuality doesn’t just disappear either. It may be less than it was when you were younger, but it’s there all right. And if you’re not feeling it, it’s simply hibernating.
I believe sexuality can be brought to life again. It’s springtime. And it’s time to reacquaint ourselves with our sexuality. I have to admit that the story is better for women than men. A woman’s body never ceases to be responsive to sex. Sadly, it’s not always the same for a man though there are all sorts of things a couple can enjoy.
I think your wife may find you wanting cuddles and hugs irritating because she thinks they’ll inevitably lead to you attempting to have sex. You’d take the tension and heat out of the situation if you told her in plain words that’s not your intention, you just wish to be affectionate and give her a hug, you like the feeling of holding her in your arms.
You may be thinking that you might have married the wrong person but that’s not necessarily the case. The most common reason why couples stop having sex in their 60s is that they slow down in their 40s and 50s.
So it’s hard to make the leap to starting again in your 60s and 70s when you haven’t been sexual in your younger years. As your wife doesn’t relate to your need for intimacy, you might ask her if she minds you trying to find it elsewhere?
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
(Hero image credit: Alun Callender)
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