My partner’s hostile adult children are putting me off
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises unity as the solution for a widower struggling with the hostility he feels from his new partner’s grown-up children.
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises unity as the solution for a widower struggling with the hostility he feels from his new partner’s grown-up children.
I recently met a woman who is widowed, like me. It is wonderful to be able to share our experiences and to talk openly about our partners. Other women I’ve dated since losing my wife have seemed threatened by her memory but with my new partner it has always been fine.
We have honoured both our lost spouses by talking about them, keeping photographs up in our homes and so on.
However this doesn’t seem enough for her adult children who are openly hostile to me to such an extent that it’s putting me off (I don’t have any children of my own).
I really feel like I have a strong bond with this woman but I don’t know if I can face her children on a regular basis if it’s going to be like this forever.
Sounds like your relationship was made in heaven. As you say, most people don’t like to hear about past relationships because they feel resentful of what their partner enjoyed with another person.
You two don’t seem to mind at all and your relationship is all the stronger for that. The generosity you’ve shown to each other by welcoming discussions about the love you’ve felt for other people cements you together in a very lovely way.
Turning to your partner’s older children, this is a fairly common scenario as children fall in behind each other in their fierce loyalty to their absent parent. They feel angry that their mother could love someone other than their father. This is only natural, isn’t it? After all, your actions have shattered their idea of happy families. However, their resentment doesn’t give them the right to persecute you.
You say her children are grown up. Well, ask them to behave like grown-ups. Grown-ups would think about your and their mum’s happiness and what you need for your future happiness. Grown-up children would welcome the fact that their mum has found someone she can love and wants to be with and be happy for you both.
Your letter suggests you feel you have to go at it alone and face her children’s hostility on a regular basis, but really you don’t. You have the support of your loving partner. She, I’m sure, is all too aware of the hostility of her children and she probably finds it very painful indeed. I’m sure she wants to jump in and tell them not to be so nasty, to grow up and to welcome you because she loves you and you’re important to her.
My suggestion is you don’t face up to her children alone, you present them with a united front, saying that you and their mum are extremely happy together but your happiness is marred by their hostility and unkindness. Could they, for the sake of their mother, be more supportive?
Discuss with your partner how you both would go about this conversation together. I would suggest it’s done in the evening over a bottle of good wine.
(Hero image credit: Alun Callender)
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails will be treated in confidence.
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