Dr Miriam Stoppard talks sex, life, love and loss

Dr Miriam Stoppard has published more than 80 books on health, parenting and sex, which have sold over 25 million copies worldwide; she built a career on straight-talking, sensible advice.

For several generations of women, her parenting books were what made motherhood manageable. And now Miriam has joined Saga Magazine with her regular online column answering readers’ questions on sex and relationships.

"I am thrilled to be joining Saga and talking to readers who are a little later in life," says Miriam. "I hope I can help readers achieve the sex lives they desire – and deserve.

"The need for some kind of intimacy never goes and it is with you until you die."

She accepts that the early, heady days of a sexual relationship may be unlikely to return "as you may not have the stamina".

But, she says, once you have taken the first step, which is to accept your sex life will be different, it can be "very rewarding".

Speaking frankly, she adds, "An orgasm is very special. It takes someone to a place you can’t otherwise reach."

Dr Miriam was married to playwright Tom Stoppard. But when the marriage fell apart and tabloid newspapers ran stories about Tom’s relationship with actor Felicity Kendal, they remained united for their children. They divorced in 1992.

"Once Tom said he wanted to divorce me, I said, 'Fine, let's do it as quickly as possible.' Because again, love is so important that if you find it, you must follow it. I was just glad he had found someone that he loved so much."

"I never felt jealous, I never felt angry, but I did feel grief. I grieved for three years but I was grieving for the idea of how my life would be and who I would grow old with. And that was kind of chopped out of my life."

"I saw him just last week and he has been poorly and is more fragile but when we are together, we still get on so well."

"Afterwards, I was ambushed by my emotions," Miriam says.

"It was just all so very sudden. Christopher had dementia and I had been caring for him alone for three years, which took up a huge amount of physical and emotional energy but was what I wanted to do. But he wasn’t expected to die. He’d gone into hospital for a routine operation then afterwards went very rapidly downhill. So it was a huge shock.

"There were times, particularly at first, when a kind of aloneness or grieving would hit me out of the blue and I would go down in a spiral. Then I would have to try to climb out of the grief."

On being a grandmother

Dr Miriam now has 12 grandchildren.

"I think I am a far better grandmother than I ever was as a mother. Back then, I was always working and travelling, and I wasn’t with the family as much as I wanted to be. 

‘But as a grandmother you’re free of distractions and there is so much more time. I am obsessed with my grandchildren. The only way I can describe it is like when you first fall in love and it is so all consuming."

But could she ever imagine falling in love with a partner again?

"Absolutely not. As you get older, you know better what you want in life. And your knowledge of what you don’t want becomes stronger and stronger. And there is so much to do and absorb, to be interested in and participate in, from reading a book to meeting friends, that I am happy this way. 

"And I am unafraid of being alone. Since I was very young, I realised that the happiest place for me to be was in my head. 

"I realise how very fortunate that has made me throughout my life."