Should I go on holiday and leave my sick husband behind?
Dr Miriam Stoppard has advice for a woman who needs a break from caring for a husband who’s living with cancer.
Alun Callender
Dr Miriam Stoppard has advice for a woman who needs a break from caring for a husband who’s living with cancer.
My husband has been ill for around five years with cancer – one that you can live with for a long time but which is debilitating – along with various other health issues. I am younger than him (he’s 78, I’m 70), and currently healthy.
He has already said that he is not in the mood for travelling. However, I was talking to a friend recently who counselled me that I should take care of myself, as well as looking after him, especially since his illness was only going to get worse. I have recently seen an escorted holiday that I would really love to go on. Do you think it is unreasonable?
I feel that my life is going past and that I may not have that many healthy, active years left, and that the way things are I am in danger of spending all these years stuck indoors caring. Can I go now, while he is still capable of looking after himself day-to-day? I don’t want to be selfish or unkind but the thought of it all is depressing me. Also I wouldn’t know how to break it to him.
Well, I stopped skiing at the age of 73 so, based on that, I’d say you’ve got at least three good years left to have some very active holidays with or without your husband.
Your letter reads as quite timorous, as though the feminist movement never happened. As though feminist icons such as Simone de Beauvoir (The Second Sex), Betty Friedan (The Feminine Mystique) and Germaine Greer (The Female Eunuch) never existed. These women blazed a trail to reverse the belief that women were second-rate, could be pushed aside, must kowtow to patriarchy, including husbands. Women burned their bras on our behalf!
I suspect you’re part of a generation for whom those volcanic events didn’t register, the feminist movement which set women free from all that restricted, misogynistic thinking and freed women to plough their own furrow. Importantly, feminism gave women agency and sadly you seem not to have a sense of empowerment to do things. So, I feel I must give you some permissions you haven’t allowed yourself to do.
First of all, you have the right to go on holiday on your own if your husband doesn’t wish to accompany you. I found myself in the same position and I went solo to India five times and to Bhutan. That travel extended my life. I believe you should jump at the chance of going on an escorted holiday.
Of course it’s not unreasonable to holiday solo. If you’re concerned about leaving your husband unattended, what’s wrong with asking his family, his daughters, for instance, to look in when you’re away?
You’re not being selfish or unkind to plan your next holiday (making sure it’s no further than three or four months ahead). It’s the perfect antidote to your depression.
Call the travel agent tomorrow. Go girl!
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
(Hero image credit: Alun Callender)
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