Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a man in his fifties who is afraid that his younger partner’s friends see him as old and out of touch.
My new girlfriend is 16 years younger than me (I’m 55) and we get on brilliantly. I recently met some of her friends, though, and I got the impression that they thought I was a bit of an old fart and she hasn’t arranged anything with them again.
Her birthday is coming up and I’d like to surprise her with a little party. Is this rash?
I feel that I must unpick the various strands in your letter to make sense of them before formulating an answer that you’d find helpful. I’ve never believed an age gap in relationships makes any difference if the couple love each other.
So, whether it’s an older woman with a younger man, even a toyboy, or an older man with a younger woman (the situation you find yourself in), the relationship can work, and I’m sure yours will. Many women like being with a man who’s lived life and can bring new experiences to the relationship.
I feel that distancing yourself from her friends could be a schism of your own making. You say you got the impression that her friends thought of you “as an old fart”. That’s only your interpretation and could stem from you feeling a bit out of your depth because you didn’t know any of them.
That’s quite a tricky situation for anyone, I know, but a 55-year-old man of the world should take that in his stride. After all, in your partner’s group you’re the one with the extra experience and worldliness, so don’t sell yourself short.
I’m sure if your partner’s friends see you as someone who sincerely loves her and would take care of her, they’d welcome you. Which makes me think maybe you’re the one who sees himself as an old fart and you’re superimposing your idea of yourself on to her friends. Is that fair? Could this be because you lack confidence, are unsure of your partner’s feelings for you or because you think you’re unworthy of her?
It’d be unwise to conjecture about the reason she hasn’t arranged anything new with her friends because you could find yourself up a false cul-de-sac. It could simply mean that she felt your discomfort and didn’t want to inflict them on you again.
I think giving your girlfriend a surprise party is a great idea. You ask if that would be rash. Well, what if it is? It maybe rash but heck, nothing ventured, nothing gained. We’ve got to take risks in life otherwise opportunities pass us by. And you have the opportunity to put all your misgivings aside and do something wonderful for your girlfriend.
For her surprise party, why not invite those girlfriends you thought had a rather low opinion of you? It’s a win all round. Your girlfriend will be thrilled that you reached out to them. Her friends will see you as a stand-up guy and your generosity of spirit will make you feel like a new man.
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