I've gone teetotal but my wife is still drinking, I want her to give up too
Dr Miriam Stoppard has sensible advice for a man who's given up alcohol for his health and wants to encourage his wife to do the same.
Dr Miriam Stoppard has sensible advice for a man who's given up alcohol for his health and wants to encourage his wife to do the same.
My wife and I are both in our early sixties. We have always loved a drink and our lives have been centred around visits to our local pub, where we know everyone, and dinner parties with our wide circle of friends.
I have recently been advised to curtail my drinking after a routine health test, and I found it so beneficial I have pretty much given up altogether. I am still happy to go to the pub and dinner parties and drink zero-alcohol lager – I feel more confident and much happier the next morning too.
The only problem is that I have suggested that my wife gives it a try too and she has reacted really badly. I now realise that the reason she is grumpy in the morning and often picking a fight is that she is always mildly hungover.
I’m not saying she is an alcoholic by any means but – like me before my recent change – she definitely drinks far too much. I’d like her to give it a try for her health both emotional and physical but she won’t hear of it and it’s causing a real rift between us.
Your story reminds me of the 1962 film Days of Wine and Roses about a couple whose lives are bound together by drink. Your life together with your wife has always been lubricated by alcohol, hasn’t it? You love a drink together, furthermore you seek out friends at your local pub and have a drink with them too.
Regular drinking on that scale is good for no one and sooner or later the effect of so much alcohol will show, as it is in you. Alcohol is a poison and will eventually destroy your liver. It sounds to me as though your doctors have caught you just in time by advising you to cut down on your drinking. Your blood tests probably revealed signs of liver damage.
Of course, this is hard for your wife. She’s going to lose her lifelong drinking pal. She’s probably disgruntled that she’ll lose her drinking pals at the local pub too. I think your suggestion that she joins you in drinking less is a good one because you could support each other. However, your wife may feel that you’re occupying the moral high ground and see her continued drinking as weakness. I think that you have to reassure your wife that you’re not scolding her when you ask her to join you.
Why not try to share some of the advantages of drinking less? And whatever you do, don’t get preachy. You could, for instance, calculate how much money you’re saving by drinking less. Make an estimate of how much you’ll save over three months and suggest that if you both did this, you might be able to save enough to have a holiday abroad, or pay for a new bathroom or kitchen.
This strategy is much more likely to succeed with your wife than simply suggesting she changes her lifestyle.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
(Hero image credit: Alun Callender)
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