Saga Magazine's straight-talking agony aunt on whether to tell a best friend they are being cheated on.
I suspect my best friend’s wife is having an affair.
We’ve been friends since university and I’ve grown close to his wife too, but the other day I saw her in a restaurant holding hands and stroking the cheek of a much younger man. They looked blissfully happy.
Do I tell my friend and risk being responsible for destroying their marriage?
I’d like you to imagine you are standing on the central reservation of the M25 at rush hour and contemplating crossing the northbound carriageway on foot. In emotional terms this, roughly speaking, is the possible catastrophic outcome of being helpful to your friend by telling him what you have seen.
Let us count the facts you do not know. You do not know if his wife is having an affair. She might be or she might not be. If she is, she might decide next Tuesday that she’s been very unwise and finish with the young man. Or suppose she is only considering an affair and again next Tuesday thinks better of it?
Meanwhile how about your friend? You could have to wait a while to find a good moment to tell him what you have seen. Maybe you don’t have a chance until Thursday week. How are you going to fill in the details about what you have seen and what has happened subsequently with his wife and the young man? You have not the foggiest idea.
‘Friendship is about being there when you are needed, not about needlessly poking your nose into a situation’
Then again, supposing your friend is playing a long game. He suspects his wife has a romantic interest elsewhere, but he also knows her flights of fancy rarely come to fruition. Thus, he is determined for now to look the other way. Heroic, I agree. You could also consider the possibility that your friend is having an affair, knows about his wife and is quite happy with the arrangement.
The messenger of bad news cannot guarantee their intrusion will be regarded as helpful or necessary. Indeed, the risk to your friendship with your friend and his wife is very real.
Friendship, surely, is about being there when you are needed. It very certainly is not about needlessly poking your nose into a situation about which you know almost nothing.
I strongly recommend you sit with the awkward information you have, knowing that passing it on cannot be considered anything other than bonkers.
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