Should I side with my cheating son? Anne Robinson advises

A reader asks...

Our eldest son cheated on his wife, which has led to their separation. But he is angry with us, his parents, because we have vocally sided with our former daughter-in-law.

He says that as his parents we should support him and he is now not responding to our calls.

We don’t want our relationship with him to collapse, but can’t condone his behaviour.

How should we handle this?

Anne Robinson's reply

I trust neither you nor your husband has ever considered a career in the diplomatic service.

Whether it is countries at war or a couple in the throes of a breakup, much the same emotions are involved. Namely anger, resentment and – most of all – fear.

If a third party is going to be of any help they need to be as impartial as possible and very good at listening.

Alas, you and your husband dived in, all guns blazing, to side with your ex-daughter-in-law and made no secret of your disapproval of your son. Unsurprisingly he has beaten a retreat.

Eating a good dollop of humble pie is surely worth it

In the old days, a naughty child was thought of as a ‘bad child’. Thankfully, in modern parenting, a mother, for example dealing with a toddler meltdown, is encouraged to dislike the tantrum but still very much love her child.

I think the same rule should apply to grown-up children.

You now recognise your relationship with your son is near collapse and you want him back. I suggest you write to him telling him you miss him. Say you have had time to reflect on how rushing to side with his ex-wife must have shocked and hurt him.

Admit he had every right to expect your love and support. Stress how desperate you are to put things right and that you want to say sorry for the impetuous way you behaved. Ask him if he can see his way to forgiving you.

Some of this might stick in your gullet but eating a good dollop of humble pie is surely worth it?

You might not receive an immediate result. Your son is entitled to lick his wounds. But a genuine plea for forgiveness will, with luck, reduce the hurt he undoubtedly feels for being so heavily judged. And given time, should go some way to repairing the damage.

I do hope so, for his sake and yours.