My daughter says I was a terrible mother - what can I do?

A reader asks

My daughter recently told me she wanted to bring up my new grandson totally differently from the way I had brought her and her younger sister up – that I was bad-tempered, quick to shout and had impossible academic expectations.

This hurt so deeply I find it hard to articulate, and don’t know what to say to her.

Anne Robinson replies

A mother’s place is in the wrong – a phrase I recommend all mothers keep close to hand. It doesn’t mean you are in the wrong, only that you are the one most likely to be blamed.

Bringing up children has changed vastly in the last 50-odd years. Once upon a time, the only guidance was Dr Benjamin Spock, who urged new mothers to trust their instincts and use common sense, but if they couldn’t stop worrying then to call the doctor.

Since then, advising mothers how best to cope with their new baby has become a huge and very lucrative industry.

‘Gurus’ such as Penelope Leach, Gina Ford and nanny Jo Frost all preach different sermons.

A friend of mine with two daughters tells me that her youngest believes there is no such thing as a naughty child, and she will go to extreme lengths to find out why her three-year-old is angry and how she can make it better.

Everything is painstakingly negotiated. Her other daughter, meanwhile, has no truck with whingeing and her children are rarely allowed to have their own way.

Your daughter is angry about how she was brought up. What is most important here, surely, is that you allow her to express how she feels. Unless this happens, she is going to continue to resent you.

It might well be that you disagree with what she says. Regardless, I suggest you say a big sorry to her for the unhappiness she experienced and move on.

Crucially, until you reach a place of trust and love with her, you are not going to be able to fully enjoy the wonders of grannyhood and the opportunity to spend precious time with your grandson.

Behaving beautifully as a granny is very uncomplicated. We keep our opinions to ourselves, follow to the letter whatever a daughter or daughter-in-law dictates and in return become an important, useful and much-loved part of the family.

In other words, we go with the flow, taking criticism on the chin, while perhaps occasionally reminding ourselves of the comforting old saying: ‘God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.’