Can a sexless marriage work?
Can you have a happy, healthy marriage without sex? Our experts explain it’s more common than you might think and why honesty is key.
Image credit: Alamy
Can you have a happy, healthy marriage without sex? Our experts explain it’s more common than you might think and why honesty is key.
When Tom and Sue, both in their early seventies and married for 45 years, finally broached the subject of their sex life – or lack of it – over a cup of tea one quiet Sunday, it was the first time they’d spoken honestly about it in years.
“We were just coasting,” Sue admits. “We still love each other, we are close, but the physical side has faded. We’ve both been too polite – or maybe too British – to say anything.”
While it’s often assumed that sex is a key ingredient to a successful relationship, research tells a different story. A 2019 study in The Journals of Gerontology found that 40% of married adults aged 57 to 85 hadn’t had sex in the previous year.
Meanwhile, a Gransnet/ Mumsnet and Relate survey from 2018 showed that 47% of respondents aged 60 and over considered themselves in sexless relationships (defined as having sex fewer than 10 times a year).
According to experts and couples living it, the answer is yes – but it depends.
“There are many reasons a marriage may become sexless,” says psychosexual therapist Cate Campbell. “Illness, menopause, medication, emotional disconnection, or simply a mutual decision that sex isn’t necessary anymore.
“But yes, a marriage can still thrive without sex. What really matters is whether both people feel okay with it.”
Dr Miriam Stoppard, Saga’s sex and relationships expert, agrees. “Sex isn’t the only form of intimacy,” she says. “You can have deep closeness, warmth and affection without it.
”But it’s important that you nurture your emotional connection because that creates intimacy.”
For many older couples there are several ways to keep the physical connection alive that don’t involve sex.
“You don’t have to stop being affectionate just because you stop having sex,” says Dr Stoppard. “Cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, reminiscing about shared memories – these are all powerful ways of maintaining intimacy.”
Campbell recommends creating an ‘intimacy routine’.
“Agree to always kiss goodnight, or touch in small, reassuring ways,” she says. “These gestures release oxytocin, the ‘bonding hormone’, which helps couples feel connected."
Tom and Sue had a very active sex life when they were younger. “But in the last decade it changed,” says Tom. “We’ve both had health issues – me with my prostate, Sue with menopause – and frankly, the desire just isn’t there any more.”
And how do they feel about that?
“Relieved,” says Sue. “It’s freed up energy for other things – our garden, travel, our grandchildren. We still cuddle on the sofa and hold hands when we walk.”
It’s the same for Tom, who adds: “It’s not about passion anymore, it’s about companionship. We have a lovely family, a big group of friends, we’re happy together.”
It’s important to communicate and be clear, says Campbell. Because if one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t, cracks can quickly appear.
“What’s vital is mutual agreement,” she says. “A sexless marriage only works if both people are on the same page. If one person is still hoping, waiting, or feeling rejected, resentment builds.”
She also acknowledges the emotional toll this can take. “When a partner unilaterally decides the sexual side is over, it can come as a shock,” she explains.
“There’s often grief. So if you do want to stay in the relationship, you may need to look for other ways of validating your sexual self outside the relationship. Self-pleasure, sensuality, or even flirtation can help people feel alive again.”
But it’s not always so simple. For many couples, the loss of sex can feel like a loss of identity, or a rejection.
Michael, 61, is recently retired. “I finally have more time and energy,” he says. Married to his wife Liz for 20 years, he was hoping to reignite the spark.
“But we’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms for years,” he adds. “She says I snore, that I smell of garlic. She just says she’s not in the mood. I keep trying to make romantic gestures, but she turns away. I do feel rejected and sad.”
Paula, 62, has been in a relationship for seven years with Dave. “We met later in life after we were both reeling from divorce but then Dave had a sudden heart attack,” she says.
“I nursed him back to health and he’s lost weight and feels better but our life in the bedroom has completely stopped.
“I miss feeling wanted. I feel undesirable and invisible. I can’t tell him how I feel because I don’t want to upset him. The main thing is that he’s well again.”
When one partner still desires intimacy and the other doesn’t, an honest conversation is crucial, insists Dr Stoppard. “Often couples avoid talking because they’re afraid of hurting each other,” she says.
“But silence only breeds misunderstanding. You have to be brave enough to say, ‘How are you feeling about this? What do you need?’. You need to be vulnerable and open.”
If you both want different things, open the conversation gently, she advises. “Don’t accuse. Watch a sexy TV programme together and say something like, ‘I miss how we used to be on Sunday afternoons. Do you ever feel that way?’ This allows your partner to respond without defensiveness.”
But, like Michael, many feel afraid of having that conversation. ”If Liz said she never wants to have sex with me again, I’m not sure how I’d feel,” he says.
“I’m not sure I’m ready to give up my sex life forever.”
Fear can be a huge block. ‘Many avoid talking about sex because they’re afraid of what they’ll hear,” says Campbell. “But silence won’t solve anything. If the desire imbalance is too great, it may be worth discussing whether seeking satisfaction elsewhere, discreetly and respectfully, could be an option – if the relationship matters more than fidelity.”
Dr Stoppard adds, “This might sound radical, but for some couples, especially those who are pragmatic and loving, non-monogamy can work if handled openly and honestly. The key is communication and kindness.”
Erectile difficulties, menopause, illness and medication can all be physical roadblocks. But many of these are treatable.
“I’d be alarmed if someone refused to seek help for erectile issues,” says Campbell. “They can be an early sign of serious health conditions like diabetes or heart disease.”
For women, post-menopause sex can become painful due to vaginal atrophy. “Local hormone treatments, lubricants, and gentle intimacy can help,” Campbell adds.
Dr Stoppard agrees. “We make adjustments in every area of life as we age. We walk slower, we need reading glasses. Sex is no different.”
For Paula, the hurt comes from no longer feeling attractive. Campbell acknowledges this is common. “Women often link sex with self-worth,” she says. “If your partner no longer desires you, it can feel like a rejection of you as a person. But desire is complex. It might be about their partner’s own shame, illness, or fear.”
Dr Stoppard encourages women to seek affirmation beyond their partner. “Friends, family, even grandchildren can give you the feedback that you’re still interesting, stylish, fun. Attraction doesn’t only come from one source.”
Both experts agree on the major don’ts of a sexless marriage:
“And never assume sex has to mean intercourse,” says Campbell. “There are so many ways to connect. Explore what still feels good – whether that’s massage, holding each other, or lying together after a bath.”
Dr Stoppard adds, “If you want to save your marriage, you may need to put ego aside and make some compromises. That includes being vulnerable enough to say ‘I miss you. I miss us’.”
But that doesn’t mean a sexless marriage can’t be a healthy or happy one – if both people agree on the terms.
“I see many couples who say they are happier now than they were when they were having sex,” says Campbell. “They feel close, respected and at ease. For others, sexlessness is a source of grief.
“The key is honesty and creating a version of the relationship that works for both.”
As Paula puts it: “I still want to feel alive. But maybe that means finding that spark in a different way.”
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